Reasons why I should start driving again

The following is a list of things I would not do on a train.

  1. Clip my nails and leave the parings where they landed (ie between the seats, on the floor, in people's hair, lodged in burgers).
  2. Rehearse a very poorly-written play out loud for an hour with a friend.
  3. Spill mayonnaise from my sandwich onto the floor, then sit with my feet in it so that I spread mayo footprints up and down the aisle.
  4. Kiss with tongues, and with lots of noise, until I reached my partner's epiglottis.
  5. Fall to sleep on a stranger's shoulder, making 'I'm having an erotic dream' noises.
  6. Have a phone conversation about my irritable bowel in pictorial and graphic detail so that the whole carriage of passengers shift uncomfortably in their seats.

They are, however, things I have seen done on my last couple of train journeys.

I know what you're thinking, if you're a regular reader. 'If she'll eat olives from a jar of oil on a bus, presumably her good behaviour on trains can't be guaranteed.'

But even I have standards.

The thing is, on British trains anyway, no one dares comment. Someone could be kissing with tongues, mayonnaise and nail-parings while reciting a play and making erotic noises with their bowels, and everyone would just pretend it was normal behaviour.

I'm beginning to wonder whether giving my car away was a good idea.

Comments

  1. Mark Kerstetter3/4/09 15:18

    Na.Cars are a waste of money, and lousy for people watching.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Fran Hill3/4/09 15:24

    But, Mark, surely that depends what the people are doing while you're watching ... I'm not entirely sure I haven't wasted my £20 train ticket if all I get is views of people's inner workings.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Brilliant Sulk3/4/09 18:13

    No please don't start driving again. I can't get enough of your bus and train stories. Do you have any elevator or boat tales?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Fran Hill4/4/09 10:35

    A - most of my boat tales are to do with vomiting. Most of my elevator tales are to do with trying to avoid mirrors.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Fran Hill4/4/09 10:38

    A - I just remembered a revolving door story that might interest you - October 2008. I have as much trouble with these as I do on buses and trains.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Count Sneaky5/4/09 08:50

    I think this is why Americans love their cars and interstates so much...They can do all these things in privacy or with their families that would just start fights, giggling fits, uncontrollable laughter or shouting matches if done in public. Our upper lips are not very stiff and will curl in a smile or a snarl at the least provocation. Besides, we just won't ride buses or trains unless there's no option.
    Count Sneaky

    ReplyDelete
  7. Fran Hill5/4/09 10:00

    Count - I am packing, right now, and moving to America. You mean, you actually tell people they are behaving badly? Sooooo brave. But, hey, hang on. That means if I eat olives on buses, I will get told off. Hm. Second thoughts.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reasons why Fran is desperately in search of earbuds

Image
My try-to-get-fitter walk in the fields today was a silent one. I usually listen to the radio through earphones but have lost one of the soft earbuds and nothing spoils a walk more than having hard plastic nudging up against your fragile tympanic membrane. The BBC's  'Woman's Hour' is a brilliant programme but loyalty has limits.  It was disconcerting, walking in silence. Listening to radio distracts from the disturbing reality that my legs are propelling me in forward motion because, if I think too hard about this, I frighten myself.  Today, while walking, I had to listen to my own thoughts.  And now I've listened to my own thoughts, I remember why I like radio better. The inside of my head is like a wastepaper basket.   Be grateful that I only offer you a brief excerpt.  Oh, look, that bird is - / Where did I put that mark scheme. I'll need it for - / My shoes are getting muddier./ Maybe mash with the fish tonight / really muddy / The trees are definitely more
Read more

Evidence that we don't always have the right words to say at the right time

Image
The Younger Daughter was reminding me about how, when she's just accidentally burned herself and is hopping up and down in the kitchen, my instant response is 'Careful, that's hot!'  Or when she's just tripped up a step, that's the time I choose to say, 'Watch yourself!' That's me.  Eager to be helpful.  Caring Parent of the Year. But it's instinctive, isn't it, to say something completely inadequate in the face of crisis?  It's a strange feature of the way we communicate sympathy.  What about the following situations ... When someone's fallen over and is lying flat on their face, we say: 'Oh, no, are you o kay ?' When someone's just set off down the road to the shops, then lets themselves back in five minutes later, cursing and stomping, we say: 'Did you forget something?' When we come across someone sobbing their hearts out .... ..... we say things like, 'Is something the matter?' To the
Read more

More evidence that the wrong consonant makes all the difference to a famous book title

Image
More typo-lit, one of my favourite genres: To Kilt a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a young family move into the area from Aberdeen.  The children are found dressing the local wildlife in tartan and have to be taught that clothing innocent victims in bright material is not acceptable.  The little girl (Scot) says, 'Shoot, Pa, that's the darndest thing I ever did hear!' and there is surprise all round at her adoption of the local dialect in such a short time. To Kiln a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a wise father teaches his children that to put an innocent bird into a red-hot oven, converting it into an attractive china piece for the kitchen, was bound to upset Aunt Alexandra when given as a birthday present, and if this was indeed their intention, they deserved a whipping.   They don't get the whipping; the father can't stand Aunt Alexandra either. To Bill a Mockingbird - a tale set
Read more