Reasons why I should start driving again

The following is a list of things I would not do on a train.

  1. Clip my nails and leave the parings where they landed (ie between the seats, on the floor, in people's hair, lodged in burgers).
  2. Rehearse a very poorly-written play out loud for an hour with a friend.
  3. Spill mayonnaise from my sandwich onto the floor, then sit with my feet in it so that I spread mayo footprints up and down the aisle.
  4. Kiss with tongues, and with lots of noise, until I reached my partner's epiglottis.
  5. Fall to sleep on a stranger's shoulder, making 'I'm having an erotic dream' noises.
  6. Have a phone conversation about my irritable bowel in pictorial and graphic detail so that the whole carriage of passengers shift uncomfortably in their seats.

They are, however, things I have seen done on my last couple of train journeys.

I know what you're thinking, if you're a regular reader. 'If she'll eat olives from a jar of oil on a bus, presumably her good behaviour on trains can't be guaranteed.'

But even I have standards.

The thing is, on British trains anyway, no one dares comment. Someone could be kissing with tongues, mayonnaise and nail-parings while reciting a play and making erotic noises with their bowels, and everyone would just pretend it was normal behaviour.

I'm beginning to wonder whether giving my car away was a good idea.


  1. Na.Cars are a waste of money, and lousy for people watching.

  2. But, Mark, surely that depends what the people are doing while you're watching ... I'm not entirely sure I haven't wasted my £20 train ticket if all I get is views of people's inner workings.

  3. No please don't start driving again. I can't get enough of your bus and train stories. Do you have any elevator or boat tales?

  4. A - most of my boat tales are to do with vomiting. Most of my elevator tales are to do with trying to avoid mirrors.

  5. A - I just remembered a revolving door story that might interest you - October 2008. I have as much trouble with these as I do on buses and trains.

  6. I think this is why Americans love their cars and interstates so much...They can do all these things in privacy or with their families that would just start fights, giggling fits, uncontrollable laughter or shouting matches if done in public. Our upper lips are not very stiff and will curl in a smile or a snarl at the least provocation. Besides, we just won't ride buses or trains unless there's no option.
    Count Sneaky

  7. Count - I am packing, right now, and moving to America. You mean, you actually tell people they are behaving badly? Sooooo brave. But, hey, hang on. That means if I eat olives on buses, I will get told off. Hm. Second thoughts.


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