Why I am already disappointed about this Christmas

I received this letter from Santa today.

Dear Miss

Thank you for your letter. It is a little unusual to be receiving Christmas lists before at least November, yes. I am sure you are sincere in your wish to 'spread the load' for me by sending it four months early. And, yes, I do remember your list from last year. It was one of the more memorable ones. I am sorry I could not fulfil all your wishes and I hope that the 'Disappointment at Not Receiving George Clooney for Christmas' counselling course that you mention has proved beneficial.

Concerning this year's requests, I will deal with them one by one. May I say at this juncture that, should there be another counselling course available soon, it may be as well for you to book yourself a place.

1. I am afraid I am completely out of 'Make Your Middle-Aged Husband into a Greek God' kits. These did disappear rather rapidly last year, as you can imagine. In fact, they were not that successful and I am still expecting a summons to court as someone is sueing me for the fact that their husband turned into Triton, who, as you may know, is old and bearded. This was apparently worse than how her husband started out, so the lady concerned was rather disillusioned. He also insisted on eating dinner with a five metre long three-pronged fork, and I believe she found this irritating. In her words, 'It was a devil to wash up. We only have a small kitchen sink.'

2. The 'Lose Weight While Sitting Still' advice guide you mention is, I am sorry to say, now out of print and the writer, O U Wish, seems to have left the country. If the papers are to be believed, it appears that she was responsible for the fact that sales of big 'Bridget Jones' underwear went up by 300% while the craze lasted, as the size of ladies' bottoms expanded rapidly while they tried to follow the advice.

3. I wonder about the ethical issues surrounding your third request. Would it not be better to concentrate on making your novel exciting and engaging before trying methods such as these to attract the attention of a publisher? Also, I cannot really spare the number of elves it would take to insert electric shock devices between the pages of every other novel on the publisher's slush pile except your own. Your alternative suggestion - glueing together the pages of everyone else's debut novels - is perhaps less harmful, yes, but someone else asked for this last year, and my forty-nine elves came back literally as one man, having had an accident with the glue. It took a while to sort them out, and some of them still have to be careful when hugging.

I do hope you will not be discouraged from writing again. I would urge you, though, to try to make your requests more realistic. Have you thought of asking for a spaghetti server, a bottle of extremely cheap perfume, an ironing board cover or some very frilly knickers in the wrong size? I have recently carried out a survey of husbands to ask them what their wives love to receive at Christmas and these were among the items suggested, so I have bought in quite a few of each.

Yours sincerely



  1. My dear Fran, this is your funniest blog yet! We men, of course, view Christmas somewhat differently.
    We feel that putting time, thought and some effort into finding the gift that says: "We put some time,thought and effort into this gift." is right up there with a weekend fishing trip, a weekly poker night, stopping off at the pub after work for a pint,
    or just spending a few moments with the family at suppertime...all these little life enhancing moments are what family life is all about. And, that's why we put so much time, thought and effort into getting you something for Christmas that shows we put time, thoght and effort into it. Yes, I could use another
    pint. As I was saying...sis efford 'n thot and rosemary and thyme a'n thought 'n you know Charley... I was sayin' thuther eve'n that thu
    Chris'mas is 'uh fas' proachin' an' efford is...

  2. This was hilarious!!
    I am afraid to see what note you also sent to the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy....

  3. hahaha! Great post. Maybe you should try my Christmas strategy - shop for your own gifts. It takes out the element of surprise, but that's usually turned out to be a good thing.

    By the way, I like the little dictionary link that you added. I need to look up 'dystopian' to see if I might like Margaret Atwood.

  4. Wonderful - I have a big smile on my face after reading that. I must admit to being deeply impressed by Santa's helpful reply. He is evidently a person of great patience and ingenuity. No wonder he has kept his job despite what must be a long list of eager wannabe-successors.

  5. Have you ever thought about trying to get your blogs published all together as one book?? Seriously, they do crack me up.

  6. Count, for a moment there I thought you were going to start telling me how mush you reshpect me and how I'm your besh friend and you'd joo anyshing for me. I have to say, at which point during the drinking session do you go to the shops to put in the time and effort on the presents?

  7. Retired One - thank you, thank you. Those are the most wonderful ideas for posts. I am indebted.

  8. Lesley, start with 'The Handmaid's Tale'. It is awesome.

  9. Thanks, Stan - yes, Santa is very patient. But he will only communicate with me via letter and refuses to add me to his Facebook friends, which I think is a bit mean. I can't be the only woman who asks for Johnny Depp.

  10. Adventuring Maya - perhaps I should take up The Retired One's suggestion and do a whole book of 'Miss's Correspondence with Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny'. I'm glad my posts make you laugh, anyway.

  11. O U Wish. I think he also wrote 'How to find everything when moving into a new house really, really easy'.
    This one would have made me laugh a lot had I not been sitting in a library XD

  12. I'm jealous. You actually received a response from Santa.

    My letters have gone unread for years. Perhaps you can put in a good word for me...

  13. Anonymous21/7/09 12:37

    O U Wish definitely, definitely wrote "How do ensure your white kitchen floor stays absolutely sparkling whilst lying in bed"...

  14. Anonymous21/7/09 12:38

    oh, alright, alright, no, it wasn't the kitchen floor lying in bed, before you start going on about syntax again...

  15. This is so funny. You should reprint this on your blog at least once a month. Really. I'm going to send a link to this to everyone at work.

  16. Thanks, CJ. I appreciate your appreciation!


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