What the emoticons really really mean

I thought it was a good idea to marry a dressmaker. What I didn't know is that she'd have innovative ways of shutting me up when I asked about her shopping trips.

Mummy, don't fuss. Sitting at the computer for hours is doing me no damage at all.

So I was at the vegetable counter and the assistant said, 'Look, you owe eight pounds, okay, and if you don't pay up, I'll shove this jalapeno pepper right in your gob.' And I said, 'Look here, young man, do you know who you're spPHLUMPH ...'

There I was, at the dentist, and he says to me, 'You want teeth like Simon Cowell?' and I says to him, 'Yeah, go on then!' and so he did all this work for me. I just didn't realise the grin would be permanent, though. I'm having real difficulty being taken seriously at my business meetings. And my jaw ACHES, man!

Yep, I know. Never trust a plastic surgeon when he says he'll do all the operations at once. And where are my ears? I said I wanted 'flat' but this is too much. Eh? What was that you said?

Oh my. One minute I'm walking out in the forest. The next, I have two caterpillars, fallen off a twig and now balancing on my forehead. Now what?

Right, that's it! If the loser who didn't put the cap on the ketchup properly doesn't own up ...

Hey, sweetheart. You know that new computer I got? The one with the megabyting doublewhammy extraneficular RAM automagnifier? You wanna come and see it? Hey, babe! Where're you going?

I know, I know. But all my friends - at least, I think they're my friends - told me that the pale and interesting look was so last season.


  1. hahaha! I love the one about the caterpillars! You definitely cannot go back to work. You have an audience to entertain. Want me to write a note to your boss?

  2. Yes, please, Lesley. Can you mention that, for a hundred thousand pounds, I would come back part-time.

  3. Thank you for this public service. I feel like such a noob (or is it newb?) when it comes to these things. Now, please do a post about all those acronyms, all the LOL's and IMHO's. I'm totally lost.

  4. Yes! Mark! What a great idea. I'll be onto that one. LOL is easy, though. I can tell you that straightaway. It's Leaning Over Lavatory. And IMHO is I May Have Overeaten. The two are connected.

  5. Hilarious. I will never look at an emoticon the same way ever again. I thought they were just cute little smileys. Now I know they have a hidden message! :)

  6. Gosh, I hate those silly things. But the one with glasses turned me on a bit. Take Mark's advice and do a post about the acronyms.


  7. Only you would think of something like this. Yes, that's a compliment. Reading this was a great way to start my morning.

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  9. Rae, leave it to me to uncover the sinister motivations behind things that claim to be cute. Not that I'm cynical or anything ...

  10. The one with glasses, Amanda? Hm.

  11. Valerie, you can do what I can't do, which is write them in punctuation. I'm meeting a friend for coffee tomorrow who's good at it, and I've asked her to train me.

  12. Thanks, Sharon. Only too pleased to brighten your day.


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