Evidence that I too can write about Art. Just not in an intellectual way ...

''Okay, so diagnose ahead, Mr SmartyPants Doctor, but try sending me the bill!  Ha ha.'

I wonder how the Mona Lisa feels about getting her medical diagnosis hundreds of years after she's died.  I thought waiting lists in the UK were long, but that's taking it too far.  (See the link below if you haven't heard the story.  And can someone let me know how to do the link thing properly so it's included in the sentence and I can overwrite it with something like 'do your clicky thing here for a dead fascinating story about the Mona Lisa's cholesterol' and then people can just link to it straight away?)

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8444202.stm    (I mean, does that link look boring, or does that link look boring, compared to 'do your clicky thing here for a dead fascinating story about the Mona Lisa's cholesterol'?)

Anyway, doesn't this diagnosing of medical conditions in famous paintings take the romance out of art just a tad?........

'Darling, I am so looking forward to our weekend in Paris, making violent love to each other in a hotel with silken-papered walls and glittering chandeliers.  Shall we breakfast on oysters and champagne in the morning?  And then shall we stroll hand in hand round the art galleries?  Shall we go to the Louvre and gaze in wonder at that painting of that woman whose arteries were lined with fatty tissue and who has a lump in her eyelid?'

'Oh, yes, my love.  And why don't we make a pact together to celebrate our love by visiting all the famous paintings in the world?   We could view Botticelli's 'The Birth of Venus'.  I love that one.'

'You mean the one where she's got heartburn and is holding her hand to her chest?  And a suppurating pustule at the top of her left thigh which she's covering up with her hair?'

'Yes!  Such a work of art!  Then, what about seeing Titian's 'Bacchus and Ariadne'?  I love the way Ariadne is scratching her haemorrhoids.  I just have to gaze at that one for AGES.'

'Oh darling!  Then after that, we could go and visit Holman Hunt's 'The Awakening Conscience'....

...  I am SO loving her shyness and the way she won't show the guy that psoriasis on her hand.  I just can't get enough of the pre-Raphaelities, honey.  Hey, why don't we finish our tour by seeing 'The Raft of the Medusa', that Gericault painting?'

'You mean, that one where they're all so OBVIOUSLY suffering from anaemia?'

'Oh, yes, they're so romantic and pale and white.  I find looking at their iron-deficient red cell platelet-lacking bodies just so, like, inspirATIONAL.'

'My sweetheart, I love it when we talk about art together.  It makes me feel so ... so .... in fact, I can hardly breathe.  I feel quite faint.  In fact .... ' [slumps]

'Darling?  Darling?  Wake up!  Darling!  ........................................................................ Oh, bother.  She's dead.  And she looks so lovely, just lying there, blue-lipped and blank-eyed and all puffy round the neckline.  I must fetch my paintbrush.'


  1. Hello Miss! Thanks for all your comments on my blog. This post made me laugh a lot. I'll be back... :0)

  2. I guess we should be attributing Ophelia to Malaise rather than Millais then?

  3. Hi Rachel - nice to meet you. Glad you liked the post. I like your sideways smiley. I must learn to do those things.

  4. Oh, no, Martin, don't start me off! Warteau? Van Cough? DeGas-tricUlcer?

  5. Here is my explanation for the fatty-lipoma-whatever evidence:

    Leonardo: Oh drat! I ran out of peach-colored paint. Run up to the store for me, dear?

    Mrs. Leonardo: Run up yourself, you lazy good-for-nothing. You have plenty of yellow, just use that. And when are you going to stop all this doodling and get a real job?

    Leonardo: (dipping his brush into the Lipoma Yellow paint) ... sigh ...

  6. Fantastic explanation, Lesley! Only I'd be grateful if you'd stop leaving comments which are funnier than the original post. I have a family to feed.

  7. What do you think the good doctor would say about one of Picasso's weeping women, or Munch's screaming man? Ridiculous.

    The funny thing is these scientific types take themselves seriously. Maybe the Mona Lisa's skin was made out of porcelain too, it sure looks smooth!

    (I'd tell you how to make a word a link but then you wouldn't be able to make cute jokes about not being able to do it.)

  8. Mark, I think he would say that Munch's screaming man probably had a severe case of lockjaw. And you are a cruel, cruel man not to help me out.

  9. So is this Henry VIII before or after the diet?

    Art teachers rejoice! There is a whole new side to teaching art appreciation. Study the sitter's medical history - discuss. I bet that would get the A level pass rates going up and up.

  10. Good idea, Friko. My son did Art 'Appreciation' for A level - or tried to - and it was so obvious that the teacher was somewhat less than appreciative about art (or seemed so) that the poor kid lost his enthusiasm. Such a shame.

  11. You are marvellous! I sort of had the beginnings of this train of thought but could never have pinned it down and let it run and just got carried away with it like this. I love it. Pretty sure Turner's "Fire and Snow" is some sort of eye condition.

  12. elizabethm - thanks. Will look up Turner's 'Fire and Snow'. You have me intrigued ...

  13. Can't find 'Fire and Snow' elizabethm. Any clues?

  14. That was hilarious! "You are so witty, Wilde! You must come up the castle some time!"

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. Re my magazines, one of the things that I loved doing when the girls were young was cuttings. Then I'd do collages for my friends based on their personalities as I knew them then (with out lives revolving around raising toddlers). It was such fun! I've also done them for my children. And I long to get back to doing them. But full-time work cuts into my leisure time!

    Don't give up the cuttings! Someday we'll be old and won't be able to get up from the chair. Then we'll be happy we have all those cuttings (if only we could see them!!).

  15. Sandy aka DTG - that's the annoying thing about work, I agree: that it cuts into one's leisure. Ideally, one day a week of work and 6 days of leisure would suit me fine. Or maybe just half a day of work. Or maybe a couple of hours and then break at lunch. Or maybe just work over breakfast, then stop?

  16. Dang ... scratching her hemmoriods, I was leaning more towards pulling out an atomic wedgie!

  17. I think the Mona Lisa looks very constipated.

    This is coming from experience...

  18. Little Miss English Teacher - In which case, it's a good thing she's got that all-encasing blue sheety thing on.

  19. Amanda - maybe you're right. But then you try sitting there for three days solid for an artist and manage your bowel routine ...

  20. Fran - If you have found a way to feed your family with the earnings from your blog, you're way ahead of me!

  21. Oh, Lesley, if only. The naked truth is that, when they come and stay, my husband has to feed them anyway because I'm too busy blogging and I only turn up when he's dishing up. If I painted a picture of me tapping away in a freezing garret room for the benefit of my poor, hungry children, it was all lies, lies, lies. I did win that £100 in a blog post competition, but I have a horrid feeling I spent that on clothes for myself ...

  22. You have just destroyed my long-time love of European masterpieces. Having been to the Louvre twice in my life, I know from experiencing the magic she cast in the gallery
    where she reigns that the scientific analysis of her appearance is a load of horse hockey. The same is true of David, Botticelli, and the other immortals that reside there. Horsehockey, I say! Horsehockey! My best

  23. Count, I repent in dust and ashes for destroying the magic. But I love the word 'horsehockey' which I have never heard before and desperately want to indulge in horsehockey as often as possible from now on, whatever it may be.

  24. Hi Fran,

    I've discovered that messages through google connect are unreliable, and you may not have received the one I sent you.

    I'd appreciate it if you took a look at this:



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