How I know I must be in labour

Just checking out a fellow blogger's baby experiences and a big advert pops up with great big letters asking me, 'ARE YOU IN LABOUR?'

Well .... I wasn't expecting to be, and I'm 48 next birthday, and certain surgical procedures have been undertaken that we were assured were usually permanent ...

but I guess it's POSSible.

So, maybe I AM.

Hang on!  But that means .... Oh, gosh, I'm so reLIEVED.  This explains EVERything .....

The gradually increasing waistline (now I don't feel so bad about that elastic giving way and pinging into the face of the lady on the bus).

The feeling that I need to lie down in a bed most of the day (now I can tell my boss that there is a REASON I need to teach from a supine position).

The flutterings in the tummy I keep thinking are hunger (now I know there's a baby in there needing food, I can have three cakes instead of two).

The mood swings (now I can carry on moving from 'I feel great' to 'I feel lousy' through to 'If you turn it over to classical music one more time, sunshine, you're getting this crunchy nut icecream down the back of your neck' without feeling bad when accused of being volatile).

The groaning scales (now I can celebrate each kilo as evidence of a growing baby and can just carry on blaming the weight gain on someone else - as I have been already).

The fact that I can't reach the sink to wash up the dishes any more (now I can leave Husband to do this while I put my feet up, eat chocolates and yell my normal instructions about wiping the surfaces down properly from the lounge).

The deep abdominal contractions (I thought that was just my normal instinctive reaction at the sight of chocolate but now I know they are the first stirrings of an arriving infant I can eat as much chocolate as I like in preparation for the hard work of delivery).

You know, I am so glad I have finally identified the source of all these signs and symptoms.  For a moment there, I thought I was going to have to DIET!  Ha ha ha.  How funny!  And there was me, all ready to go and buy Ryvita and lettuce.  How silly I'd have felt, thinking I was just getting FAT, when all the time I was in labour.

All the time since Christmas, in fact!

Which is quite a long labour, when you think about it.

But, at my age, you expect things to slow down a little.

I reckon that baby's not coming until at least May.

And before May is my birthday.  Chocolate time.

And Easter.  Chocolate time.

And, of course, everyone brings chocolates when you've just had a baby.  Including your other children (ages ranging from 19-26).

Who will be quite surprised by the baby.

As I was.

As will my Husband be.

Hm.  Interesting times ahead.  I'll let you know.

(Ooohhh!  That was a sharp one!  Maybe I'll call the ambulance, just in case.  I'll just finish these chocolate-covered brazils first.)


  1. If it's a boy, will you be calling him Chocolate Oliver?

  2. I shall just blank out all the 352 reasons why I can't be in labour and go with the flow. I have been staying with my parents who have an arrangement of mirrors which allows me to see my backview in a way that I haven't seen in about eight years. So I am not just far too wedded to bread and butter and wine. Thank God for that.

  3. Congrats!! You're eating for two!! or maybe three, who knows? Enjoy!!

  4. Make sure and take lots of pictures. I will be anxious to see this miracle baby.

  5. Now that is all very interesting and strikes a good few familiar notes with me. But the question I need to ask, the question which could provide the answer to many a thing which has been troubling me of late, is
    "Can men become pregnant?"

  6. Congratulations Fran. I look forward to the birth of a healthy milk chocolate bar.

    I too think I might be pregnant. I have a strange craving for red wine, cake and sexy young men...

  7. Did this happen to be an advert on MY site?? And I'd have to say that the advert isn't a very good one ... I seriously doubt there will be many people browsing the blog sites if they are in labor. Having just gone through it ... I should know!

  8. Martin - whether it's a boy or a girl, I am going to call it Cadbury. Call it a memorial statement.

  9. Elizabethm - the thing I've learned about mirrors is that it's best to run some hot taps until they're really steamed up before you look in them. And back views ... never!

  10. Lesley - I've been eating for fourteen for a while now. I think that may be my problem.

  11. Rae - me too, me too. I think I will video the whole thing and sell it to Hollywood. [Cue deep voiceover man.] 'She thought it was chocolate. She thought it was cakes. She thought it was biscuits. But it was none of these. It was a BABY. The latest from Hammer Horror.'

  12. Alan - if you're desperate, I'm sure there's a clinic in the Netherlands somewhere that can sort these things out for you.

  13. That's not pregnancy, Amanda. That's just life. Funny how we never crave green beans.

  14. Yes, Little Miss, it was your site! Thanks for the idea!

  15. I eMailed folk to tell them of the happy arrival of twin granddaughters.
    Up popped an advert telling me I could still get spares for my twin-tub washing machine. A.I is still a fair way off . . .

  16. Doctor FTSE - these adverts always make me laugh. Sometimes you finish a blog post and then up pops an ad, and it always makes me smile to see how they've 'interpreted' what I've written. I want to write a post about it one day, once I've collected a few examples! Thanks for your comment and for dropping by.

  17. In Labour?
    Conservatively, you're being a tad Liberal with the Facts of Life. Either that or a bit Green. U(need a )kip!

    *moves away from the keyboard and heads for darkened room*

  18. Wow, Moptop! Very witty and topical! Loved your comment.

  19. A food baby? Lovely! Just make sure you keep the essential nutrients up; choc, choc and choc.

  20. ChrisH - that's a promise I can make and keep.

  21. You could actually have lots of babies, a Valentine heart baby for Valentine's, a chocolate rabbit baby for Easter, a chocolate rose baby for your birthday. . . . .

  22. Friko, if I could organise to have choctuplets at each of these occasions, that would be even better.

  23. Some day you'll have a big bundle of Almond Joy.

  24. Mark, I think Almond Joy Hill is a great name. Sounds like a romantic novelist.


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