Five things I learned at the shops today

1. Shopping for jeans then having scampi, chips, peas and French bread with a pint of Diet Coke afterwards is a good plan.  Having scampi, chips, peas and French bread with a pint of Diet Coke then shopping for jeans is a less good plan.  I'll say no more about this, other than, I own no more jeans than I did yesterday, but I do have happy memories of some of the best chips in town.  I also have an extra kilo on each thigh, a free gift which came with the chips.

2. If you're looking to buy a trendy jacket for work, let me tell you that big flappy collars the size of schooner sails are in.  What's more, they are in on little bitty jackets which only reach to just below your waist.  Effectively, there is enough material in each of the collars to make three more of the jackets plus a matching A-line skirt.  When the spring breezes blow up, your bum will be freezing cold, but your shoulders will be as sweaty as a wrestler's armpit.

3. Trying on waterproof padded jackets in sports shop is not something to do on a low self-esteem day, especially when shop assistants are watching.  There are so many zips to unzip, strips of Velcro to un-Velc,  detachable hoods to untach and press-studs to unpress that you end up needing Kendal mint cake just to try the thing on.  The Velcro sticks to your jumper.  You can't do up the zip because it's halfway down your thighs and you can't see past all the material which bunches up when you bend over.  When you unzip the hood it comes off OK but seems only to want to go back on inside out or upside down.  And what looked fine on a hanger makes you look like Mike Tyson turned mountaineer.  In pink and grey.

4. The generosity of a shop's sizes does not change from week to week.  So, what you couldn't get the buttons done up on last week, on the same garment, in the same size, in the same shop, isn't going to be a success story this week either.  The words 'It's worth a try' and 'What's there to lose?' are not a magic formula.  It is very much not worth it, and there is a heck of a lot to lose.

5. Lime green may have enhanced your complexion when you were twenty and all your hair was still very very dark brown, almost black.  Thirty or so years later, when your hair is going grey and your skin has lost its teenage bloom, you cannot complain when a lime green jacket makes you look as though you need emergency hospitalisation.  (The clue is in the fact that the jacket actually matches your face beautifully.)

Comments

  1. Jinksy15/2/10 10:56

    This is a classic! I LOVE your take on life, and can see myself Velc-ing onto your blog any old time...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous15/2/10 10:56

    I have one of those padded jackets. The kids call it my chav coat, but I love it. I love it a little less this week, though, since someone saw me the other day and said I looked like 'a little round fat thing' walking along. Avoid them like the plague unless you want warmth over lithe style.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Fran Hill15/2/10 11:01

    Thanks, Jinksy. Feel free to Velc on any time you like.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Fran Hill15/2/10 11:02

    Yay! mickirose has arrived! And who said that to you? Kill 'em!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Martin15/2/10 12:40

    I'm constantly being encouraged to buy a new coat. Now, why would I do that when I've got a perfectly good 20 year old waterproof and a cast-off overcoat my son-in-law was going to offer a charity shop?

    Love your posts. They never fail to raise a smile.

    ReplyDelete
  6. broken biro15/2/10 13:47

    Brilliant! I do empathise. This is why shopping is a Bad Thing. I just don't get why people LIKE it. And you're so right about the colours that suit you changing - I'm perilously close to powder blue. But Not buying anything else. I've got enough to 'see me out'. 8-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Fran Hill15/2/10 14:09

    Yes, why would you, indeed, Martin? Stay strong. Resist. Anyway, poets are meant to look fashionably tatty.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Fran Hill15/2/10 14:11

    Yes, the colour thing is so true, brokenbiro. 'Perilously close to powder blue' made me laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sister15/2/10 14:47

    Yes, I have arrived indeed! I have at long last worked out how to add a post to your wretched blog...I tried 6 times tonight and it worked at long last! So sorry it had to be a link to my blog - promise it wasn't a shameless plug.

    I am now doing the 'I've managed to post' dance. Not pleasant, trust me.

    And anyway, I LIKE powder-blue. Waswrongwivit?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sharon15/2/10 14:59

    What do you say about the full-length mirrors in the dressing room with a view of three sides at once? I say, if you've seen Jeff Bridges in his saggy underwear playing the has-been drunk in Crazy Heart, you've got an idea about what I look like in those mirrors.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Fran Hill16/2/10 01:26

    Sister, now you're called Sister and not mickirose. What will you be called tomorrow? Please keep me up to date.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Fran Hill16/2/10 01:26

    Sharon, I was going to write about the mirror thing, but it was too painful, too painful.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Jayne16/2/10 01:49

    Shopping for jeans should be one of the impossible things you do before breakfast. :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Fran Hill17/2/10 02:37

    Jayne - what are the other impossible things? Do tell.

    ReplyDelete

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