Evidence that, should you lose a family pet, I may be of little use to you

So, I was wandering down the road last week, and a woman rushed up to me, put her hand on my arm and said, 'Have you seen a white rabbit running around?'

No lie, people.  I, and the world of Alice in Wonderland, had just collided, and I was in my own version of a surreal fantasy experience, the like of which I could never have imagined, especially as my name is Fran and I live in the West Midlands in England and don't know the location of the nearest rabbit hole.

What ripping fun!  Time to play!

So, what to do next?  The woman still has  her hand on my arm - (Note:  I have switched into am switching into present tense to increase the tension in my story) - and is urging me with panicked eyes to bring her news of the White Rabbit.  She and I are locked into this world of vividness and colour and creativity together.  She gazes at me imploringly - she wants me to make up the next bit of the tale, obviously.

Oh.  My.  Word.  I. Am. So. Excited.

'No, I haven't,' I say to her, all breathy with asthma and joy, 'No, but I just passed a Queen wearing ridiculous clothes and far too much blue eyeshadow and carrying a pig?  Is that any help?'

The moment Helena Bonham-Carter realised that playing the part of the Queen of Hearts in a Tim Burton film
 was bound to place some odd demands on one

The woman looking for the White Rabbit looks puzzled.  'Er, no,' she says.  'I'm just looking for a White Rabbit.  It's running around here somewhere.  Have you seen it?'

Brilliant! I think.  She's still playing along.  She wants more!  How spiffing it is when you meet a soulmate like this, who doesn't mind standing in the street and just BASKING in the world of the imagination.  I wanted to hug her, but I hung back.  One doesn't like to disconcert people.

'No, I haven't seen the White Rabbit,' I say, 'but I HAVE seen a strange man whose hair has been electrocuted and who's obviously read that article in Vogue that says having the price tag 'accidentally' displayed on your new hat will impress your friends ... '

The moment that Johnny Depp realised that having applied white under-eye-bag concealer that morning had been a hell of a waste of time

It is at this point that the woman's grip on my arm loosens.  Ah, I think.  She is having to concentrate hard on her contribution to the story, which surely will come at any moment.  No.  There is a long silence, and she looks at me carefully.  'I. Am. Looking. For. My. White. Rabbit.' she says.  'Have. You. Seen. It.?'

Fantastic!  She has introduced a new aspect to our story-telling game, called 'Let's. Talk. Staccato.'  SO apt and SO creative, for a story-game involving tension and high passion and drama!

'No.'  I say, grinning as WIDELY as possible and giving her a knowing Okay-I'll-play-it-your-way look.  'But. I. Have. Seen. Another. Very. Strange. Thing. And. The. Clue. Is. In. My. Smile.'........

Here's a picture of what I am trying to get her to guess, because, to be honest, she is being pretty damn slow in responding at this point.

NB: If your cat ever smiles like this, either it has done something very very wicked, or it has been far too ambitious in its fishing, has a shark's bone stuck behind its teeth, and is not long for this world

It is at this moment that the woman takes out her mobile phone, dials a number and asks for the police.  Strange, I think.  Fancy ringing the police, just because you can't find a White Rabbit.  And then she turns and runs in the opposite direction.

I shout after her.  'Well, that was a FINE moment to ruin our game!  Just as we were beginning to enjoy ourselves!'  And I turn and make my way home, a disappointed woman.

On the way back, I do see a white rabbit, hopping along.  My spirits lift.  Any minute now, I'm sure I'm going to hear it say, 'I'm late!  I'm late!' and the fun can start all over again.  

But it's saying nothing.  How maddening!  It's just a bog-standard rabbit, all fluff and ears but no excitement at all.  So, I lean down, and I say to it, 'Rabbit.  I think I know someone who's looking for you.  She's dead boring, and no fun at all, and boy, do you suit each other.  I hope you find each other again and live TEDIOUSLY ever after.'    

Some people, and animals, need to liven up a little.

PS  The first paragraph of this post is true.

PPS  Well, I made up the bit about her putting her hand on my arm.

PPPS  And she wasn't exactly rushing.


  1. Oh, my fur and whiskers. That was a funny one!

  2. Hello Fran
    An interesting and fun blog. I am a new follower.

    Wanna buy a duck

  3. What!? Are you telling me that all you said was no? Well, at least you're a good enough writers to create such a wonderful tale(no pun intended) about it afterwards.

    Clarissa Draper from Listen To The Voices

  4. Anonymous4/9/10 06:33

    A rip-roaring side-splitter if ever I read one. Thanks for sharing.

  5. Jabberwocky! Off with her head!

  6. June - I obviously brought out your feline side anyway.

    Manzanita - welcome to the world of Me and I'm glad you enjoyed the post. Yes, I do wanna buy a duck. But the landlord has said, no pets. Spoilsport.

    Clarissa - that's the problem with real life. If you tell it like it is, you only get one paragraph out of it. Just.

    Boonie - that's okay. My pleasure. Sorry about your split sides, though. Rest up a while.

    Steve - exactly! And lots of other phrases with exclamation marks too!

  7. I'd have been suspicious from the beginning. Rabbits don't "run around". They hop. Bounce. Woffle. Eat lettuces. Wear blue jackets and run away from Mr McGregor.

  8. Oh I love your style - jam tarts all round

  9. You HAVE been busy during your time away!
    I am looking forward to being treated to lots more Fran-type imaginary friends and their adventures.
    Autumn's coming and I need cheering up.

  10. So funny. I hope someone asks me that question one day, I'll have my answers all ready :o)

  11. Hilarious, as I keep saying to my other half (my husband, not my other scitzophrenic side, in case you wonderered) these people will keep coming up to us 'almost' writers and saying strange stuff to us. The other day.
    I sat beside a guy in the hairdressers and he said to me:
    'I'm going to peroxide my hair now that I'm doing a marketing course - two hours later he was in a short story.

  12. Isabelle - yeah, well, that just proves my point. The woman was crazy.

    French Fancy - yum, jam tarts. One of my favourites.

    Lane - thanks. Glad you enjoyed my bunny tale.

    Friko - Autumn is my favourite season. There is some colour at last instead of that green and brown, green and brown, green and brown thing going on.

    Karen - if anyone does ask you, it's bound to be the same woman. Don't bother. She's a bore.

    Brigid - you're right ... these poor unsuspecting members of the public!

  13. Brilliant! I am still chuckling. I did wonder about the arm-holding woman. The only folk that attempt an arm-hold around my way are called the police. Love your book reviews as well. Glad you felt the same as me about 'Fuzz'. :)

  14. Please answer A,B,C or D Fran, as a pet lover I am worried.
    A. White rabbit and owner were happily reunited and lived happily everafter.
    B. White rabbit followed you home and somehow ended up in a pie for your dinner.
    C. you are a vegetarian.
    D. You are now wearing a new white fluffy hat.

  15. Jane - Glad you liked the post and book reviews. I must try a bit more of 'Fuzz' before totally making my mind up.

    Linens - your comment made me laugh. The answers are A. Don't know, don't care, they were boring; B. I'm a vegetarian. C. See B. D. I look terrible in any hat, whether new, white or fluffy. And I don't know how to skin rabbits anyway. Or do you pluck them?

  16. Tell you what though rabbits are such dull pets.

  17. I'll bare that in mind next time my cat goes missing :-)

  18. Von - you sound like a pet-owner who has been very disappointed! Is this bitter personal experience?!

    Missy - thanks! Glad you liked it.

    Eliza - especially if it's the grinning type ....

  19. You're weird.

    But in a good way :0D

  20. This was fun. I actually do try things like that on people. More fun than just standing in line :D
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

  21. That was bloody funny! What a perfect pairing - a bog standard rabbit and a bog standard human ... She should be glad that she lost her rabbit, they are shit pets. They just eat grass and crap nuggets.

  22. Kit - Weird in a good way is the best compliment I've had for a while.

    Jules - you're right - why stand in line when you can frighten people in the street?

    Annie - you're the second person to say that about rabbits. I think something should be done about the bunny as pet image - something's obviously going wrong somewhere.

  23. You know this is really weird but I was running along the road the other day and there was a large white rabbit hopping along. Turns out it had escaped from a nearby hole/garden, I caught it and gave it back to it's owner. Much less funny than your brilliant story.

  24. Sheepish - I hope you checked that the owner wasn't the boring type, not worthy of his/her rabbit. Thanks for your comment. Love your name!

  25. Hahahaha! Love this, Fran. LOVE this! Snorted throughout.

    Poor woman (her, not you... but perhaps you too!)

  26. Care In The Community . But for which of you , I don't quite know ..... the rabbit , probably .

  27. Any blog with a picture of Jonny Depp in is fabulous!

    I can't see how anyone can get pleasure out of keeping a pet rabbit. Bizarre.

  28. Talli - yes, perhaps me, too!

    SmitandSon - You sound very doubtful. A similar sentiment to Talli's ...

    Bluestocking Mum - I've never had a pet rabbit, so I'm not sure either. But no one who's read this is ever going to sell me one either, so I may not get the chance anyway.

  29. Anonymous9/9/10 04:29

    Bahahahahaha! You. Are. Hilarious.


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