OH NO! NOT ONE OF YOUR *IDEAS*? Should I go and fetch a sick bag? Do I need a nurse on hand?
No, not like that. No more toenail cream or frothy blue dental swill for the time being. I promise.
toenail cream and frothy blue dental swill
I forgot to say, I'm bad at promises.
No, I've been thinking. Where do you go when you want to sell weird stuff? E-bay is just old hat. Everyone goes there. What about ....
1. eek-bay - For sale - collection of scary pictures of lady-who-should-not-have-worn-bikini in a bikini in 1988. Bikini too small. Person too large. Free of charge, or nearest offer (ie I pay you). Bikini (stretched) also for sale.
|'Mother, mother, wake up! Dad's bought icecreams.'|
2. eat-bay - Free to anyone who will collect. Three shelves-worth of fridge leftovers, ranging from blue cheese (only recently blue), a whole chicken (was dead but has started moving again) and a dirty-sock-only-we-think-it-used-to-be-a-Cornish-pasty.
3. eel-bay - This week's bargain. Fourteen pots of jellied eels, the result of a spouse saying, 'Can we have something different for once?' and then refusing to eat what was offered instead, saying, 'Okay, okay, you win, let's go back to shepherd's pie'. A real snip at 50p, or will swap for new spouse.
4. heel-bay - Snippets of callus off lady's foo - OKAY, OKAY, I'LL LEAVE THAT ONE. COME BACK, EVERYBODY!
5. ChristmasEve-bay - collection of unwanted gifts discarded at moment of wrapping combined with moment of realisation. a) Port and cheese set - remembered they were teetotal and allergic to dairy. b) Monopoly game - remembered they had just gone bankrupt and out of business and were living in a hostel three to a bed c) English Dictionary - remembered they were Paraguayan. d) Socks - remembered the war injury. Oops.
6. Ear-bay - Collection of ears from cuddly toys for sale. Found in child's room after they left for university. Result of emotional distress as 4 year old after being left alone with Grandpa for the weekend, whose ears were each the size of a foreign country, the colour of aubergines (eggplants ...) and so flexible that he could flap them backwards and forwards like tent awnings, and did, and called it 'Grandpa's little trick'. Also available, selection of unpublished manuscripts of misery-lit books entitled 'Don't Do It, Grandpa', 'I'd Rather Go in the Cupboard Again, Grandpa' and 'Why I Never Watched Dumbo the Elephant without A Palpitation'.