Reasons why ebay is just so last year

I just had an idea.

OH NO!  NOT ONE OF YOUR *IDEAS*?  Should I go and fetch a sick bag?  Do I need a nurse on hand?

No, not like that.  No more toenail cream or frothy blue dental swill for the time being.  I promise.

toenail cream and  frothy blue dental swill

I forgot to say, I'm bad at promises.

No, I've been thinking.  Where do you go when you want to sell weird stuff?  E-bay is just old hat.  Everyone goes there.  What about ....

1. eek-bay - For sale - collection of scary pictures of lady-who-should-not-have-worn-bikini in a bikini in 1988.  Bikini too small.  Person too large.  Free of charge, or nearest offer (ie I pay you).  Bikini (stretched) also for sale.

'Mother, mother, wake up!  Dad's bought icecreams.'

2. eat-bay - Free to anyone who will collect.  Three shelves-worth of fridge leftovers, ranging from blue cheese (only recently blue), a whole chicken (was dead but has started moving again) and a dirty-sock-only-we-think-it-used-to-be-a-Cornish-pasty.

3. eel-bay - This week's bargain.  Fourteen pots of jellied eels, the result of a spouse saying, 'Can we have something different for once?' and then refusing to eat what was offered instead, saying, 'Okay, okay, you win, let's go back to shepherd's pie'.  A real snip at 50p, or will swap for new spouse.

4. heel-bay - Snippets of callus off lady's foo - OKAY, OKAY, I'LL LEAVE THAT ONE.  COME BACK, EVERYBODY!

5. ChristmasEve-bay - collection of unwanted gifts discarded at moment of wrapping combined with moment of realisation.  a) Port and cheese set - remembered they were teetotal and allergic to dairy.  b) Monopoly game - remembered they had just gone bankrupt and out of business and were living in a hostel three to a bed  c) English Dictionary - remembered they were Paraguayan.  d) Socks - remembered the war injury.  Oops.

6. Ear-bay - Collection of ears from cuddly toys for sale.  Found in child's room after they left for university.   Result of emotional distress as 4 year old after being left alone with Grandpa for the weekend, whose ears were each the size of a foreign country, the colour of aubergines (eggplants ...) and so flexible that he could flap them backwards and forwards like tent awnings, and did, and called it 'Grandpa's little trick'.  Also available, selection of unpublished manuscripts of misery-lit books entitled 'Don't Do It, Grandpa', 'I'd Rather Go in the Cupboard Again, Grandpa' and 'Why I Never Watched Dumbo the Elephant without A Palpitation'.


  1. You've given me inspiration for a new set of public holidays: Eek Day, when children are allowed to jump out and frighten their grannies; Eat Day (no description necessary but it will feature chocolate); Eel Day, when in penance for all that chocolate, all non-vegetarians must eat eels (fortunately this doesn't include me); Heel Day when you have to rest with your heels up and read a book; Christmas Eve Day when... oh well, maybe we have that one already; and Ear Day, a special holiday for those who can wiggle their ears (fortunately that's me this time).

  2. I bought a house on eBay once. It was only 99p but the postage was a million pounds. You have to be so careful...

    How about EeebygumBay where you can dispose of slightly soiled elderly Yorkshiremen?

  3. You definitely need to be starting your own ecommerce site. What are you waiting for LOL?

  4. Echo-bay... a place where sad lonely losers go to meet new people and make new friends. Hello...? Hello...?

  5. Oh THANK you!
    It's been one of those weeks - too much work, too much stress, family rows simmering close to the surface, and colleagues showing their especially imbecilic side.
    I really needed a good laugh - and this fitted the bill to a tee (Tee-Bay?).

    "remembered the war injury" almost made me spray my poor unsuspecting laptop with the green tea that is supposed to help me achieve serenity (stop sniggering at the back!).

    Thanks again - and don't stop.

  6. I see you've labelled this 'Advice from Me'. And they say good advice is expensive. HA! (You're not charging anything if I start up the EatBay site are you?)


  7. Fear-Bay...the perfect place to sell all my bad dreams and night terrors. I have an unlimited supply going back to the mid 50's,low starting bid.Possibly a BUY-IT-NOW option. Any takers?

  8. I don't know which one is worst, Fran. That poor whale! But Grandpa sounds very scary too...

  9. How about He-bay? A collection of wannabe Brian Blessed's, each baying as loudly as they can to see if they can out-bay the great BB himself.

  10. This was most amusing! Did the chicken at eat-bay totally come back to life? :)
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

  11. Isabelle - eek-day when children can frighten old grannies ... don't we already have that and call it Halloween?

    brokenbiro - I did think of ee by gum day and then decided against it for PC reasons in case I had Northern readers. I am SO glad you said it, not me.

    KarenG - what am I waiting for? Time, only time.

    Steve - funny comment. Liked it!

    She Means Well - glad I brightened up your day with my tasteless humour. It's a pleasure.

    Caroline - do, go ahead. I won't charge you more than a million pounds for stealing my idea. That's how generous I am.

    Nedine - good luck with the sales ..

    Alexandra - at least whales don't have ears. Imagine that.

    Jayne - He-bay sounds like a great concept, for lots and lots of reasons. And what about Hee-Hee bay, so I could sell all my bad jokes? Or would that be Hee-Hee-Not-Bay?

    Jules - It is sitting on the sofa right now enjoying a coffee and chocolate mints. Some guests just don't know when they've outstayed their welcome.

  12. If only I wasn't already a follower, Fran. Is your surname Bristow? Come on 180!

  13. How about Lee-bay, where you sell your items for a considerable discount after negotiation?!

  14. Heel bay? Oh Lady, you should come with a warning : )

  15. Inner Pickle - and you should get a medal. You have helped me realise a dream. (See comment above followers box.)

    The neighbours are now wondering why I am shouting numbers so loudly so near midnight.


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