Some things I learned ...
1. Sweetcorn looks the same when it comes out of a baby as when it went in. However, it doesn't taste the same, so however tempting it is, however poor you are, however short you are on kitchen cupboard ingredients, don't even think about it.
2. The English phrase 'No, don't you dare', in Babyese, means, 'Go ahead. Do it.' The opposite is also true.
3. The likelihood that your baby will have explosive broccoli-induced diarrhoea correlates exactly with the likelihood that a) you are at a cocktail party held by your mother-in-law, b) the baby is wearing a cream romper suit given to you by your mother-in-law, c) your mother-in-law is wearing a cream outfit herself AND holding the baby.
4. You can't see the trail of second-hand baked beans which has been sicked down the back of your shirt. Only other people can see this. Not all other people feel comfortable about sharing the information with you. Just be sure of this, if they are laughing, it is not at your jokes.
5. Doing a Powerpoint presentation to work colleagues is always livened up when your milk comes in and your nipples leak onto your silk shirt just as you show the pie chart on Slide 14.
6. Babies never scream at the supermarket checkout. This always happens in Aisle 1, just as you've entered the supermarket with a list as big as a banker's bonus. By the time you reach the checkout, they've stopped and gone to sleep. Meanwhile, you've got so wired up you have a trolley full of chocolate, cakes, wine and Paracetamol, with not a carton of milk in sight.
7. Lack of sleep sucks, but there are some advantages it is worth hanging onto. You can wear the same mascara for weeks, because the dark shadows around your eyes will hide the smudges. The pallid look is currently fashionable among Hollywood stars, so even though the rest of you looks like a discarded sack, at least you're on your way to looking good. And being up for 23 hours out of 24 is a good way to lose weight (although eating two packets of dry Sugar Puffs while you breastfeed all night won't help this process).
8. Travelling on trains to important meetings with colleagues is fun and a nice break from being at home with the baby. However, pointing and yelling 'There's a MOO-MOO doing a POO-POO!' when going past a field may take the edge off your professional demeanour just a tad.