Another letter from Santa to me, including advice about not upsetting elves

Dear Fran

So, here we are again, continuing our long tradition of correspondence.  I have to say that I look forward to your letters, but only because when I show one of them to my therapist, he offers me a free session out of compassion.  Normally, he screws me out of a hundred and fifty quid which is a week's wages for three elves and a reindeer physiotherapist, so nothing to sneeze at.

I would like to respond one by one to the requests you make in your letter (and I congratulate you for leaving it until November this year to write ... your usual early February mailing really is too optimistic.)

1. There is, I am afraid, no 'vanishing cream' which will actually melt away flesh.  Getting rid of flesh needs more drastic action.  Have you tried dieting?  (I suspect not, judging from your frequent requests for books entitled 'Losing Weight without Losing the Will to Live' and 'Dieting for the Terribly Greedy'.)  I could help you with the flesh-losing, though, and would be delighted to.  If you would care to visit Lapland at your earliest convenience, I can lie you down in the snow and run a sleigh over your back a few times after I've sharpened the blades and see how much flesh drops off then.  Would this suit?  It would certainly suit me as you're a pain in the arse, to be frank.

2. There is not yet, on the market, a game for the Wii called 'Wii Without Having to Run Upstairs to the Bathroom'.  The emphasis in Wii games tends to be on activity, not inactivity, and anyway I think you may have misunderstood.  I do have, in stock, a large number of incontinence pads (an error - we ordered 'A4 lined' but my elves are nervous these days after their numerous encounters with you and their handwriting is appalling).  The pads may be of use to you if you really can't shift your fat backside off the sofa and get moving, you static lump of lard.

3. I agree that technology has made it easier for drug officers to sniff out the location of cocaine and other banned substances.  But, no, I haven't heard of any similar devices on the market which will sniff out where your husband has hidden the chocolate jar.  I doubt whether the technological geniuses of this world have spent much time working on prototypes such as this just so that bored, dissatisfied women can hunt around their domestic environment for the sake of a Crunchie Bar and an emotional lift.  Have you tried self-harm?  I understand this brings similar comfort to some.  I would be very pleased to visit and help you with this if you don't want to do it alone.  In fact, nothing would cheer me up more.

4. Finally, I must ask you to desist from phoning up the Lapland office.  The elves have had to be advised not to answer the phones and this is holding up business significantly.  But the last one you spoke to had to be offered post-traumatic stress disorder counselling.  It was unfair of you to suggest that you were going to come to Lapland so you could personally feed him into your Kenwood mixer and turn it on to rapid.  He was perfectly correct to say that we had no copies of a book by George Clooney entitled 'Middle-aged Big Lady and Me: A Dream Unfulfilled'.  The elves are here to help the deserving, and I can't think of anyone who deserves George Clooney less, especially as it's been twenty-five years now you've been asking for books he's never written.  Perhaps you should write one yourself called 'George Clooney and Me: It's Just Not Going to Happen' and come to terms with reality, you day-dreaming dork of a fantasist.

Although I say this every year, and every year you ignore me, I really wish you would, now you are nearly 50, leave the write-to-Santa activity to the under 10s.  Yes, they make unreasonable requests too, but even their desires for their own football pitch or a media suite costing thousands are more credible than your repeated requests for three more inches in height and a waist a man can get a hand round.  (I would gladly put my hand around you, Fran, but it would be your neck I'd be wanting to squeeze until you were quite, quite dead.)

With very kind regards, as always,

Santa Claus

Fran was prepared to try all kinds of ruses to get into Santa's stores and check whether what he said about not having any Low-Cal Steamed Treacle Puddings in stock was true


  1. Santa doesn't always get it right. He should have addressed his letter, Deer Fran.

  2. I have to say that I'm going off Santa. He seems a bit testy. In addition to which, I asked for "How to Make Your Daughter Decide Not to Marry a Penniless Actor" but he didn't seem hopeful of finding me a copy.

  3. Where can I get me a copy of "Losing Weight While Not Losing the Will to Live?"
    Loved this post!

  4. Ah, yes - I've just put two and two together now. I had my usual very sweet, polite letter from Santa (replying to mine, asking for all my presents to be donated to the poor and needy)- Santa apologised for his short reply, but said he was finding it hard to see the paper after banging his head against a brick wall repeatedly in response to yet another communication from some mad English English teacher (geddit - see what I did there). Anyway I told him that you were only jesting and that really you'd like a subscription to Railway Modelling Monthly, and some Mills and Boon if there was room in the stocking. So that's sorted, pet.

  5. Number 3 is my absolute favourite! Maybe you'll be getting a penknife and plasters this year...? Best post I've read all week. x

  6. I had such a good laugh I almost needed some of those pads...

  7. Seems to me if Santa can't take the heat he ought to get out of the kitchen...

  8. Martin - you just sleigh me with those jokes.

    Isabelle - I assume you are now reading 'How to Try and Pretend that you Don't Mind Having a Penniless Actor as a Son-in-law' then.

    Cinette - if I knew where you could get a copy of that, I wouldn't be a teacher, I'd be living in the South of France and drinking cocktails.

    Vintage Tea Time - ah, if only you knew how many copies of Railway Modelling Monthly there are already in this household .... sigh.

    Kate - thanks! I shall have to rehearse my reactions just in case I do get penknife and plasters. 'Oh how lovely, just what I wanted' doesn't seem to fit the bill somehow.

    Christine - TMI, TMI.

    Steve - he wouldn't fit in MY kitchen, that's for sure. I'd still like to know how he manages the chimneys.

  9. O poor Fran, I am so very sorry, that really wasn't a very kind letter Santa sent you.
    You can come to me any time, I'll sweeten YOUR acerbic ways with chocolate any time.

    But do forget about George Clooney, he's too old for you, love.

  10. I'm not sure that you represent my attitude entirely accurately with that title.

    (You GRUDGE me my snow day? (Actually two days.) I'm hurt. I thought you loved me.)

  11. Oooooooooo Santa Claws!

    Anna May x

  12. ....but I do agree with Santa's analysis of your chances of ever getting your hands on George Clooney.
    I read your post aloud to George this evening as he lay on my sofa in his shortie paisley silk dressing down and watched 'I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here' and do you know what he drawled when I was done?
    "Get Fran off my back could ya'Anna May, darlin'? She needs to understand that I'm a one woman man...."

    Anna May x

  13. Anonymous1/12/10 06:33

    Ok, after reading this, I am absolutely convinced that Santa is total fool. Why he hasn't stolen idea #2 and had his elves in research and development working on this invention is beyond me. Does he not realize how valuable a device like that could be? All the money he'd make? If Santa doesn't act on it, Steve Jobs will and I am sure we will soone= see an app we can download on our iPhones for $25. (I'd pay $50 for it if I had to. Just sayin'.)
    This was a very funny, very original post! - G

  14. Anonymous1/12/10 06:35

    Opps, I meant item #3, but yea, the Wii Wii would be good too (although I won't admit to how much I'd pay for that.) - G

  15. Friko - GC is not too old for anybody. Not while he looks like that.

    Isabelle - I begrudge you your snow days a bit more every single morning I get up and we have a 'smattering'. A smattering? A smattering? I want a flipping great shed load, please.

    Georgina - no, please don't feel you have to say ANYTHING about how much you'd like the Wii Wii.

    Anna May - I can't believe you've fallen for that 'I'm really George Clooney' trick that guy plays. The one in the paisley dressing gown? Yes, he's been round here, and I sussed him out straight away.

  16. He's a mean Santa, and to be perfectly honest it's not like he hasn't been eating a few crunchie bars recently is it now - he's not exactly George Clooney himself? You'd think he'd be a bit more understanding.

  17. Blimey, Santa is a bit arsey these days isn't he? Fancy wanting to kill you until you are dead? I blame it on the recession and the nanny state.

  18. 'George Clooney and You: It's Just Not Going to Happen' - someone must write this book and that someone is you! Love your Santa letter - but we know why he's grouchy - he only comes once a year! lol

  19. Miss, the George books were brilliant! Perhaps a new series to take over after Curious??


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