Evidence that one extra consonant can do a lost of harmy

Once upon a time, there were three bearks I mean three bearts I mean three bearfs.  (Oh no!  Don't tell me I'm having one of those add-an-extra-consonant-by-mistake days!)  

Here is a picture of the three of them.


The three beards were very happy living together in a cottage in the woods.  They got up each morning and breakfasted together.  

Here is what they breakfasted on.

Passers-by, peering in through the windows, were often fascinated by the sight of these three beards sitting at the table eating their coats, munching on a sleeve or two and crunching on buttons.  But the beards were perfectly happy and often agreed together that bits of coats didn't stay around on one the way spaghetti or soup often did.  In fact, the three beards had a neighbour who exemplified just this problem.

So, the three beards had every reason to be happy with their lives.  Until, one day, they had an encounter with a little girl.    They'd just finished their breakfast and put the leftovers (two collars and a pocket) into the bin, when one of the beards looked out of the window and saw a little girl in the garden.  'SO golden, SO yellow,' he said to the others, and called to them to come and see what was so yellow.  They all peered out.  This is what they saw.    

'Isn't that girl with the yellow chair supposed to come in at this point and try out our breakfast?' said one beard.
'She looks like she might still be on rice pudding and mashed carrot,' said another.  'Would she cope with the zips and the larger buttons?'
The third suggested, 'She does look hungry, though.  Let's go and offer her something.'

Here's what they offered her.

As they watched the girl with the yellow chair bob away on the surface of the flood they'd offered her, out of their lives, without so much as a 'this bed is too small, this bed is too tall, this bed is just right', the three beards mused together on the kind of morning they'd had so far.  

'Phew,' said one beard.  'I found all that a bit much to take.'
'I know what you mean,' said the others.
'In fact,' he said.  'I'm in need of a bit of comfort from you two.  I'm feeling so emotional.  Can you guess what it is I want?'
'Just say the word,' the others urged him, knowing that he wanted a cuddle.  He was always one for a cuddle when he was feeling a bit upset.  But cuddle wasn't the word he used (or tried to use).  If only ....

Once they'd worked out that he was trying to say 'hung', and they'd done what he wanted, the two remaining beards went back into the cottage.  At least there would be more coats to go round now when money was tight.  


  1. Fairy tales by the brothers Grim were always a favourite when I was a child but as I got older I preferred those by the brothers Grimy.

  2. Ok, 'fess up - you drank all the mulled wine you bought for Christmas tonight before posting this, didn't you?

  3. No, sorry, all these snow days have rotted my brain. Can't think of the extra consonant to take off "drowning car" that would complete the story.

    Will have to read it again.

  4. Steve - the brothers Grimy ... now that's more like it, considering how many of their tales end.

    Vintage - nope, but it was a massive bowl of apple crumble and I think the apple must have started fermenting.

    Isabelle - Have adapted to make things clearer. If it's not too ridiculous a concept, to make this kind of drivel clear for readers ....

  5. Beware the hunter with a sling-shot. He's out to kill two beards with one stone!

  6. Do you remember 'Lost Consonants' which used to be published in The Guardian?

    An acquaintance has been long guilty of 'found consonants'. For example, he had a prostrate examination ...

  7. Aw the poor beard that needed a cuddle. You have made me feel sorry for a beard, I just want you to think on that for a while. Now I am thinking of the fate of Little Red Riding Hoody (I know... ignore that though) and her slick grandmother. Being slick, she would have seen that wolf ruse coming, and perhaps involved little Hoody in retribution?

  8. Martin - I'm telling you. I'd rather read your comments than watch Michael McIntyre.

    Moptop - no, I don't remember that. Sounds like my kind of feature. Yes, the prostrate thing is quite common, judging what I heard when I used to be a medical secretary.

    Jayne - Little Red Riding Hoody - goody idea.

  9. Because I had to scroll from here to eternity, I almost forgot what I came to say. I've found your cheese sandwich - details after your comment on my blog...
    I do wish you had email...

  10. Jinksy - it's a little experiment of mine. If you put the pictures on a post a mile apart, it tests out who really is a true follower. Next week, I'm going to try two miles and see what happens.

    Suzanne - thanks! Gland you enjoyed my extra consonants.

  11. Ah, I see. Sorry. Being thick. I must have been exhausted after spending nearly a whole day at work.

    By the way - re your comment - sarcasm is the lowest... no no, don't throw things at me. That's hardly English teacher solidarity. You should be pleased for me. Ahem.

  12. Isabelle - no, you weren't being thick. I was being obscure.

    Sarcasm, me? I couldn't be more pleased that you have had so many days off work with your feet up while I've been trogging through the Arctic winds at 7 in the morning. Couldn't be more pleased for you.


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