Reasons why I am glad that I only exfoliate in the summer

We were just on our way back from the shops, slipping and sliding in freezing conditions, and I was in the MIDDLE of saying, 'Maybe we should cross the road because it'll be less icy over there'.

Suddenly, I found myself sailing through the air like something shot from a catapult, only much bigger (fatapult?).  I landed inelegantly on my hands and knees in an inch of snow and ice, coming to a halt only because I haven't exfoliated my kneecaps for a while so there was a good friction thing going on as I slid.

Moral of the story: if you're going to say things like 'Maybe we should cross the road because it'll be less icy over there', say it rapidly and get it over with, just in case you fall over while you're saying it. (This incident was my punishment, I know, for having written that last post about dying while you're singing on stage.)

Of course, it was a nice quiet road, so there was no one to see.  Phew.  Lucky or what?

Was it hell a nice quiet road.  There was a queue of at least six cars waiting at the junction.  And they had plenty of time to see the whole damn show from start to finish.  So, even if they were delayed getting home for Friday night telly entertainment, at least they'd already seen a good episode of 'Let's All Point and Laugh' or whatever those shows are called in which people are humiliated for the joy of others.

(Readers, at this point I googled 'Ladies with Big Bottoms' to see if there was a suitable illustration to help you imagine what all the drivers were having to look at when I fell over.  But it only took me a few seconds to realise that googling 'Ladies with Big Bottoms' is something one only does for a certain reason, and that reason is not to put innocent pictures on one's blog post about falling over in the snow.)

The irony of it all is (and there IS always irony) that it wasn't the ice at all that sent me arse over tip.  It was a bit of loose paving which I couldn't see under the snow.  No wonder I flew so far.  I suppose I could sue the local council, but when I got home, the husband made me a nice big glass of port with hot Ribena (try it, try it, it's nectar) and my litigious instincts very soon petered out.  Anyway, I had visions of having to tell this story in front of a courtroom, WITHOUT the opportunity to make jokes about fatapults and bottom pictures, and that sounded like no fun at all.

Anyway, I know you're all VERY concerned, and you may even now be writing me loving messages (such as 'If you die, can I have your collection of Victorian literature?' or 'When I come and visit you in hospital, can I share your chocolates?).

Well, I'd just like you to know that I'm absolutely fine and my injuries only needed a teeny bit of first aid.  Here's a picture, just to reassure you.

Sometimes, Fran took the word 'exaggeration' to greater lengths than were strictly necessary.


  1. I'm so hairy I could climb up a sheer ice wall just by clenching and unclenching my butt cheeks. Sadly all my attempts to join local mountaineering clubs result in rejection.

  2. I tried to climb up an icy wall using only my tongue but it stuck to the first outcrop and I couldn't progress any further.

    I hope you didn't hurt yourself Fran. Why is falling over embarrassing? (That was hypothetical because I also find falling over embarrassing)

  3. Just a teeny bit of first aid, you say. Had it been a more serious injury, requiring medical intervention, then might you not have wished you had exfoliated? Hunky doc recoils at sight of Fran's fuzzy limbs?

    Seriously tho', glad you are okay. Fatapult! Hehehe

  4. And the next song is:

    I’m going to live forever,
    I’m going to learn how to fly
    I feel it coming together,
    People will see me and cry –
    FAME! [etc etc etc].

    There there. Have a bit of chocolate to make it better.

  5. omg this post might not get too many comments because everyone's laughing too hard to type!! Seriously. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time, and really, I think Santa's got to be working hard on your list after this fiasco :)

  6. Steve - I am so touched that you shared that with us, friend.

    Annie - is there a video of that climb you could post for us?

    Christine - you are so right. It would be just my luck to get a hunky doc when my limbs were at their fuzziest.

    Isabelle - There's fame you want and fame you don't.

    Joanne - you're right - I should get extra kudos with Santa this year through sympathy.

  7. I am still laughing at fatapult, and I had to concentrate on the whole post! And then you said it AGAIN!
    Lovely to meet you, keep seeing your comments on blogs I visit, so glad I popped in :)

  8. I'm guessing the term, rear view mirror, took on a slightly different meaning for those drivers at the junction?

  9. Were you tempted just to stay down until the cars had all gone on their way?
    I would have been.

  10. The Alexander Residence - thanks for dropping in and I'm glad I made you laugh.

    Martin - you are so good at punning. And, yes, I guess they probably wished they hadn't checked their mirrors quite so conscientiously today.

    June - what, and lie in the snow like a stranded whale? (Very very stranded, in fact, in snow.)

  11. Fran, Aren't you in England? Don't they have those surveillance cameras every where? I bet there are people in a dark room somewhere laughing at your video.

    I bet you're black and blue tomorrow...take care.

  12. Nana - you know, I had that thought myself about CCTV, but fortunately I don't think there's any down our street. They're everywhere else, though, especially on the buses ... so I am absolutely certain I have provided amusement at some point. I'm not that bruised today, thanks. As I said, I was exaggerating a lot with the picture ....

  13. Port with hot Ribena, eh? That would have gone down a treat with me last weekend after I hit the pavement. A few cuts on my hands and a big bruise on my dignity. Hope your bandages come off soon :-) Jo

  14. imagespast - it sounds like you were far more injured than I was. I'm such a wuss.

  15. Didn't I see a YouTube video of this. The story is as enjoyable as ever - although I can appreciate that the experience wasn't.

  16. dbs - I thought it was such a weak joke, but it's gone down well!

    Alan - don't even JOKE about it being on Youtube .... you are joking, aren't you? Aren't you?

  17. Fatapult - classic!

    Not exfoliating in the winter also adds an extra layer of warmth when temperatures plummet - and extra padding, if padding be needed (ahem!) if you fall!

    I'd have another port and Ribena if I were you - just to be on the safe side.


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