So, let me ask you a few questions.
1. Why else do cling film and kitchen foil come in such big, long boxes which are almost exactly baby-length? What do you think that serrated edge on the box is for if not to provide a nice tidy seam all the way up Baby's back that could almost look like a zip fastening if you use your imagination?
2. Why do you think carrier bags from supermarkets have those two handles at the top if not to put Baby's arms through so that he has freedom of movement? Babies love that rustling sound as they kick their little legs, and it's also good for your conscience when the bag so clearly says, 'Please re-use me.' Knowing one is helping the environment like that is so satisfying.
3. What else are those giant-sized rolls of cotton wool for if not to wrap babies in? NO one normal uses them for anything else except for stemming major arterial blood flow - people use ditsy little cotton wool balls to get their mascara off, not six feet wide wadges of the stuff with bits of lint that get stuck between your eyelashes so you look like an Arctic explorer. And swaddling Baby in cotton wool like this saves not just on clothes, but on cot mattresses. No need to spend eighty quid on a mattress covered in vile yellow ducks when Baby is already so comfortable.
4. Why else do you have forty-nine spare pillowcases in your airing cupboard which no longer match any of your duvet covers if not to serve as handy snug containers for a baby? The flap at the top makes a perfect little hood if you slip it over the back of Baby's head. Alternatively, if Baby is proving tiresome, it makes a perfect muffler if slipped over the front of it.
5. Haven't you been saying for years, 'Darling, what ARE we going to do with those rolls of spare carpet that have been up in the attic since 1973?' Well, DUR. No BRAINer! Get that ladder out now.
6. You weren't really going to get rid of those big fur-lined boots of yours, were you, just because the heels are worn down? Babies love variety, and being encased in a left footed boot one day and a right footed boot the next will give Baby all the variety he needs. Be careful when you zip the boot up not to catch Baby's tender skin. You wouldn't want to be accused of cruelty. PurLEASE don't tell me you were going to put him in a sleepsuit before you slid him into the boot! I mean, heard of the word 'superfluous'?
7. How many times have you and Hubby discussed what to do with that old tabby cat who was so much part of the family for years before her sad demise a few weeks ago? There she is, laid out in a box, just because you can't face burying her. Well, why SHOULD you when there's an obvious use for her now, what with Baby needing dressing, and there's all that lovely fur, and Kitty being so still and all, so won't disturb Baby's nap, and no need to worry about her using her claws any more, so bye-bye safety concerns! And how lovely that Kitty can continue to bring the family joy and comfort even after her unfortunate meeting with that motorbike.
8. You mean, you've been wondering what to do with all those rolls of frozen pastry now that you're on your post-baby diet? No, of COURSE I don't mean wrap Baby in FROZEN pastry. Silly! Defrost, obviously. Then roll it all out in a big sheet (you knew there was a reason to put in those extra-large working surfaces) and wrap Baby up nice and tight. Do explain to the rest of the family that the parcel laid out on the kitchen table is Baby and not a large uncooked sausage roll. Misunderstandings of that kind can have such upsetting consequences and when there's a new baby in the house providing such joy and amusement, one wouldn't want a tragedy to spoil it.
Okay, so Baby won't look as good in foil or a carpet or a cat's corpse as he will in jeans and Reeboks ... but what were you wanting? An heir, or a fashion accessory? If the latter, get yourself a chihuahua, and give poor Baby a break.
|Expecting triplets and nothing to dress them in? No problem. Just a bit of arsenic in Kitty's dish ...|