News has just come in. A 40-something female blogger from Warwickshire, England, is feared to have been abducted by aliens and taken to the Planet Zog. She has not been seen in the blogosphere for a full week now and friends are becoming concerned.
Percy Fellow-Blogger, also from England, told us, 'It's not like Fran to blog less often than once a week. I'm sure she's been taken away. And she hasn't been anywhere near my blog either. I was beginning to tire of her habit of trying to outdo my own jokes, but now I'm missing it. [Here, Percy paused to dab his eyes with a tissue before continuing the interview.] If anyone hears where she is, I beg them to get in touch. You don't know how much you appreciate unsubtle crassness until you don't have it any more.'
Another blogger who preferred to remain nameless said, 'To be honest, it's a relief. I never felt comfortable blogging about cats or nature because Fran would always leave some kind of barbed comment on it. At least now I can mention my garden or pets without her bringing up how she finds green and brown so very boring or how the best use for a cat is surely to wrap a baby in.'
Theories abound as to how Fran will find Planet Zog. Whichever one it is, everyone seems sure that, should she not find chocolate there, she will be plunged into a cold turkey experience and may well make efforts to escape. We spoke to her husband about this who told us, 'Knowing Fran and her sense of direction, if she tries to get home on her own, it will be 3049 before she returns, because she just keeps turning left and won't listen to advice And I don't know how many fish and chip shops there are in space, but she'll stop at every one she sees. I wouldn't hold your breath if I were you.'
Police are by the telephones, waiting for a call announcing a ransom for Fran. Sources close to Fran's family who can't be revealed tell us that they have already agreed not to pay any such ransom. 'We're happy for a long delay before she comes back. It would be great to have at least one Christmas in which we didn't have to play stupid word games,' said one close family member whose eyes were bright at the thought. 'And it would be so good not to have to search for the hidden brussel sprout under our carrots.'
Should anyone know the whereabouts of this blogger, please contact your local police, who have been passed a large brown envelope stuffed with cash so that they will hide the details you give them away in a safe place to delay her eventual return.
|Fran was pleased by their welcome, but not sure how to explain that, no, they were wrong, |
and THEY were the strange-looking ones.