What those emoticons REALLY mean

I thought it was a good idea to marry a dressmaker. What I didn't know is that she'd have innovative ways of shutting me up when I asked about her shopping trips.

Mummy, don't fuss. Sitting at the computer for hours is doing me no damage at all.

So I was at the vegetable counter and the assistant said, 'Look, you owe eight pounds, okay, and if you don't pay up, I'll shove this jalapeno pepper right in your gob.' And I said, 'Look here, young man, do you know who you're spPHLUMPH ...'

There I was, at the dentist, and he says to me, 'You want teeth like Simon Cowell?' and I says to him, 'Yeah, go on then!' and so he did all this work for me. I just didn't realise the grin would be permanent, though. I'm having real difficulty being taken seriously at my business meetings. And my jaw ACHES, man!

Yep, I know. Never trust a plastic surgeon when he says he'll do all the operations at once. And where are my ears? I said I wanted 'flat' but this is too much. Eh? What was that you said?

Oh my. One minute I'm walking out in the forest. The next, I have two caterpillars, fallen off a twig and now balancing on my forehead. Now what?

Right, that's it! If the loser who didn't put the cap on the ketchup properly doesn't own up ...

Hey, sweetheart. You know that new computer I got? The one with the megabyting doublewhammy extraneficular RAM automagnifier? You wanna come and see it? Hey, babe! Where're you going?

I know, I know. But all my friends - at least, I think they're my friends - told me that the pale and interesting look was so last season.


  1. I hate emoticons.

    But, I generally love your blog.

  2. Now I know, if I didn't already, that you are a women, 'cos a man would have come up with rude stuff and naughty definitions.

  3. No emoticons for me, please. Not until they invent one that says:

    "I lurve you too, Fran, and I'm not telling porkies".

  4. I used to feel sheepish about using emoticons but realize now that I had misinterpreted nearly all of them. What an epiphany! Now I can pepper my conversations with them like everybody else. Thanks, Me Miss.

  5. Fran I love you...only you could make fun of emoticons and make it really funny.

  6. Lo - many thanks. I aim to please. My aim is not always true, but it's an aim nevertheless.

    Steve - I am a moral soul.

    Friko - !!

    Deborah - Let me know how people react.

    Mary Ann - thanks for the love. And thinking I'm funny.

  7. Fran, fantastic as usual. I'll never be able to look an emoticon in the eye again!

  8. I never know which one to use - some are just weird. I like the one that spouts tears out of its eyes - it makes me laugh?

  9. Okay, NOW I can like them!

  10. Martin - you've been very brave if you've been looking them in the eye so far.

    potterjotter - thanks for dropping by. I like the teary spouty one, too. If everyone cried like that, we'd all be drowned.

    I'm Crayon - ah, how I love to turn people's lives around like that.

  11. I never did figure out how to use those emoticons, and that's a good thing because I had no idea what they meant until I read your comprehensive dictionary of emoticons.

  12. I just got one of those Batberry devices with all these on it.... thanks for tipping me the wink on what they mean ;-) (I think that one is 'I've got something in me eye!')

  13. Yes, I read about your Batberry on your blog, broken biro...!


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