Evidence that Fran doesn't press Delete before she's thought about whether the junk mail provides blog material

Junk email today:

Sender: safiaf arkashaal baraasi

Do you know what, safiaf?  I don't think I will CAREFULLY READ your MAIL.  For these reasons.

1. There are no capital letters on your names.  If you don't think you're important enough for capitals, I don't see why I should have a sense of urgency about getting to know you either.  Or maybe you don't actually know that you need capitals.  In which case, I'm unlikely to give your MAIL much credence either.  Or maybe you were in so much of a hurry to con me that you forgot the capitals altogether.  Bad move.  If intending to con, do so at a measured pace.  No one believes a rusher.

2. You are worryingly inconsistent.  No capitals on the names.  Then a shouty message, all in capitals.  If there's one thing I hate, safiaf, it's inconsistency.  You see, if I were going to READ your MAIL and acquiesce to your demands, whatever they be, I would want to know that I was acquiescing to someone who was as solid, reliable and consistent as a healthy stool sample.  So you've shot yourself in the foot there, sunshine.

3. Your PLEASE DO CAREFULLY READ MY MAIL reminds me of the patronising woman on the SouthWest Trains tannoy who says, 'Please DO remember to take all your luggage with you' as though all passengers were imbeciles who left their bags behind on a whim just to see how it felt.  Also, to say DO and then to say CAREFULLY makes me suspicious.  You really, really, really want me to read your email, don't you, but the more you try to persuade me using suspect grammatical constructions, the more likely I am to really, really, really press delete and go and put the kettle on.

4. You have ended up in my junk mail.  This, safiaf, is a really bad sign.  Even my computer, which is inanimate, does not trust you.  I trust my computer, which has no name at all, more than I trust you, who does just have a name, but has a list of 'a' vowel sounds so long I don't believe you.  I've not made that many 'a' sounds since I was last at the doctor's and he wanted to look at my throat.

Bog off,  safiaf arkashaal baraasi.  Consider yourself deleted.

safiaf wasn't so easily put off


  1. In a lab somewhere is a team of monkeys let loose on computer keyboards. One day they are going to produce the complete works of Shakespeare. More commonly they end up sending spam email.

  2. I also enjoy spammers and occasionally discuss them on my blog. They're always good for a laugh...
    And NO!!
    I'm not a spammer and you really don't need to read anything [carefully] from me.
    Just passing by from Sepia Saturday.

  3. I don't read spam. I want to take this opportunity to announce I won't be leaving any more comments because I've just won 50 million dollars in the Nigerian Lottery and I'll be too rich to bother. Just kidding.

  4. Oops!!
    just for clarity purpose:
    I found you via Alan's blogs,
    not his Sepia blog...

    Good luck to Stephen for his $50 million...
    (oh boy!!)

  5. I'm jealous . I don't get much in the way of spam , just the occasional offer to enhance body parts I don't have . People like safiaf don't seem to see me as a potential business partner . It's a shame . I expect their office Christmas party is a blast , with champagne and everything ......
    What can I do to improve my online image ?

  6. To Stephen--Lucky us!! We've both won the Nigerian lottery. (Althogh I have to confess I wasn't nearly as excited as I used to be--this being the 17th time, & all.)

  7. my spam seems to consist of rather pious church people who are collecting money in order to create a better sound for Sunday services...they all want me to send money towards a Larger Organ...

  8. Have you noticed, when you go to the spam folder, which even the nameless computer won't eat - that the ad bar runs yeractual spam recipes? All those jokes about frying any spam here?!

  9. I don't even get spam about enhancing body parts that I don't have. And I've never ever won anything. What's wrong with me?

  10. Lovely blog. Yes, I too have won the Nigerian lottery - here in Cape Town, South AFrica! Heh, I was born in Coventry, Warwickshire. Small world.

  11. got snagged by fiftyodd, I live 2 hours away from Cape Town. Neighbours huh?

    Fran I do like to invent words, but I can't claim mouse over. I read that somewhere in Googleland.


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