Evidence that you can start married life realistically now

Have you heard about the new marriage service that is being introduced soon as a response to complaints that the current one on offer is a little too unrealistic and doesn't reflect modern life?

I quote directly from the 'Book of Common Problems'.

Minister turns to groom
Do you, Michael, take Julia to be your lawful wedded wife?
Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her?
Will you take her to the cinema to see films like Love Actually
Without doing that thing where you stick your fingers down your throat?
Will you wait patiently in Monsoon while she tries on thirteen dresses
And never say, ‘That one makes you look a bit mumsy’?
Will you promise faithfully not to clean your ears with the serviette while at family dinners round her mother’s
And then show everyone the gobbet of wax and say ‘Oh well, better out than in!’
Will you let her eat your chips even though she says she’s on a diet
And, forsaking all sideways glances at Rihanna when she’s on TV,
Be faithful to Julia as long as you both shall live?

Minister turns to the bride
Do you, Julia, take Michael to be your lawful wedded husband?
Will you love him, keep him, honour and protect him?
Will you let him put his feet on the coffee table at least once a week
Without offering to cut his toenails while he watches Top Gear?
Do you promise not to ask him what he’s thinking
Until at least three minutes of silence has elapsed?
Will you promise faithfully not to talk to your friends about his funny-shaped birthmark
Or where it is … and what your pet name is for it?
Will you let him wear brown trousers with a blue shirt … and yellow socks
Without walking three metres behind him in town in a pointed manner?
Do you vow not to leave him post-it notes when you’re out saying
‘The dog has had diarrhoea in the corner of the lounge.  I didn’t have time to deal with it.’? …
And, forsaking all references to David Beckham’s pants adverts
Be faithful to Michael as long as you both shall live?

The bride and groom at this point are meant to say in response 'I will' and not things like, 'As long as you take out the David Beckham clause'

Julia's wedding day was all she had ever dreamed ... except that Michael
had brought his comfort blanket with him and she wasn't sure how to broach the issue


  1. Will this make marriage more attractive or less... hmm. It's a trade-off isn't it? Being about to wear brown and blue but having to see chick-flicks... The bride had better be a looker.


  2. Thanks Fran. A nice, early morning chuckle. Just what I needed.

    1. If you want an early morning chuckle, you could always look in the mirror. Works for me every time.

  3. Excellent writing.... Very funny ( and true!)

  4. What's wrong with brown trousers and a blue shirt? Is there something my wife should be telling me?

    1. Are you quite sure she HASN'T been telling you, Alan?......

  5. How about "accept that one day he really will look like his father!" Don't know who would be the more frightened.

    1. If only it didn't apply to women and their mothers, too!

  6. Not to mention
    "wilt thou accept that she will say all the things her mother does, then complain she is turning into her mother!"

    I loved my wedding vows, they were in Finnish, and apparently I answered 'in the affirmative'. Star Trek, eat your heart out.

    1. That's brilliant. I think 'in the affirmative' should be adopted in the service. It has a ring to it (har har).

  7. So perfect! Marriage is kind of like skydiving, isn't it? Just can't know what it's like until you actually do it. Too bad it doesn't come with a chute.

    1. Yes, marriage and skydiving. The links. Almost a blog post in itself.

  8. The other day , I cycled past a group of young girls on their way to the polytechnic , just as one was saying ,
    " That's the one big thing that goes wrong between men and women ....".
    So young !

    1. And what was it? I'm all agog!

    2. Dunno ! That's the problem with cycling past .
      Perhaps I should hang around the college entrance and see if I spot her again. Shouldn't be too hard . Long hair , leggings , tunic-ey frock , big bag .....

  9. What do we do about the groom and his addiction to match of the day (now showing every single day as far as I can tell. I am sure when I was younger it was just once a week)? And the bride's secret fondness for Escape to the Country? Do they balance each other out? How can they when no one offers you "analysis" of EttC?

    1. To these eternal questions, Elizabeth, alas, I have no answers.


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