Reasons why you don't need to go to the shops to buy someone a great present ...

Q.  Hey, Fran.  What are you going to do with your spare time now you're only teaching half the week?

A.  Ungh?  What?  What?  *big yawn*  Oh .... sorry.  I was asleep.

Q.  I said, What are you going to do with your spare time?

A. Er.  *stretch*  Well, you know ... doss about a bit .... eat cake .... watch reruns of Mock the Week .... wander round the shops .... sleep ....

Q.  But surely you need to earn extra money, don't you, with only half your salary coming in?

A.  Do you KNOW someone who pays people to doss about and eat cake and go shopping?  Do you have their numb ...

Q.  No, stupid.  Couldn't you start up a new business?

A.  Doing what?  I don't have a business head.  I thought a balance sheet was something they put under tightrope walkers until last week.

Q.  Well, what about using your poet-woman skills?  What about ... em .... let me think ... what about writing poems for people's special occasions?  Bespoke poems, specially written.

A.  What, you mean ... Happy birthday, I love you/You help me when I am blue?  Bleeurrrggghhh!  Give me a BUCKet!

Q.  No, I don't mean all that sentimental stuff.  You can get all that in soppy cards. I mean, funny stuff.  Couldn't you write funny poems for people to give to friends and family on special occasions?

A.  Hm.  That's not a bad idea.  What would I call the business?  'Love somebody?/Want to show it?/Why not hire/A funny poet?'  or 'Want to woo/A Valentine?/Buy a poem/then force-feed wine?'  or ....

Q.  Quiet!  Too long, too long. Although they could be good straplines.  Couldn't you call it 'Funny Lines' and offer the service to anyone who'd like to give an unusual gift?  You could get them to email you at first with details about the person the poem's for, such as their likes and dislikes, funny stories, hobbies, habits .. that kind of thing.  Then you could craft a completely original poem for them with lots of laughs in.  Then they could pay you.....

A.  *shows interest*

Q.  Well, haven't you been doing it for years anyway, but for free?  Go pro!  Maybe you could do it for funerals, too, for when people want to celebrate someone's life and remind people about what the loved one was like.  Maybe you could do wedding speech poems, leaving work poems, Valentine's Day poems, Mother's Day poe ...

A. Okay, stop, stop!  So many ideas!

Q.  You know, why don't you get your Techno-Son to create a website for you, then you could show some sample poems and people could see all the things you can offer?.....

A.  Alright, alright!  I'm onto it, okay?

Q.  You like the idea, then.

A. Yes, I said!  I like the idea.  Now shut up and let me call Techno-Son.

Q.  You're not going to go back to sleep are you?

A.  Who are you anyway?  My MOTHER?  You have one good idea and now you're wanting to share skin cells or something?

You heard it here first, followers, and only just after I heard it myself.  'Funny Lines' coming soon.  In fact, why not start now?  Got someone's important birthday coming up?  Don't want to buy them MORE socks with cats on?  You know where to come ....

Remember - a unique poem won't give you backache like this will ....


  1. That is a brilliant idea Fran. You have so many readers you could just market it on the blog, and word of mouth would do the rest!

  2. Anonymous18/9/12 13:44

    Are you serious? I think it's a GREAT idea!!

  3. I don't have anything in mind at the moment but I do think this is a great idea. Gift giving is such a hassle, especially when you've been married as long as I have.

  4. What's wrong with socks with cats on?? I love socks with cats on.
    Yes! Yes! I'll accept the funny poem but it will need to come with a pair of socks with cats on..

  5. Anonymous19/9/12 03:09

    Brilliant idea, Fran - go for it!

  6. Do you do death threats?

  7. Great idea - for you, the buyer looking for 'something different' and the recipient! You'll soon be able to give up the day job altogether.

  8. Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. Sounds like you think it's a goer.

    Steve - especially for you.

    Sir, Make your will quite quickly
    Get everything in place
    I'm coming round with a baseball bat
    To rearrange your face.

    Does this suit your purposes? That'll be £14.95.

  9. The perfect gift for the person who has everything else, like my hateful sisters. Not that I'm jealous.


  10. Loving the much love. I once suggested a gift box full of horse hair for a very nasty woman ( who has a severe allergy to horse hair )
    If you did one for my husband it would have to be about The Other Woman... his boat !!!

  11. You'll be pitching it on Dragons Den next. (Now what on earth rhymes with "next"?)

  12. Sounds like a perfect fit for you and your followers!

  13. You should definitely do it, you're good at that sort of thing. I couldn't do rhymes if you paid me . . .

    PS I am having problems with commenting here.

  14. You'd be perfect !

    ( Well , you are already , obviously , but at doing this in particular , I mean . )


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