Reasons why I should just have bought the hardback

So, I keep getting emails from Amazon telling me that the publication of a book I've ordered in paperback is delayed.  They're trying to recommend that I buy the hardback, and this is the incentive they've come up with.

Differences between your original item and our recommendations are typically minor but some things, such as the item's cost, may be different.

Oh, the cost!  That silly little thing!  Well, if you'd said before!

Hm.  Neither do I like that phrase 'some things may be different'.  Very vague.  What could this mean?  What 'things'?.....

A short play, set in Fran's house. [This saves on costs.  Shooting this stuff in Hollywood is beyond my purse.]

Cast:

Doorbell

Muffled postman

Fran
A mystery parcel

Act 1

[The doorbell goes.] Ding dong, ding dong.

[Fran opens the door.]  Oh, good morn ... What. The. Hell. Is. THAT?

[Postman, from behind a large parcel.  Muffled.]  Are you Fran Hill?

[Fran] Say again?

[Muffled postman] I said, are you Fran Hill?

[Fran] Yes, that's me.  And that's the first time I've ever heard a parcel talk.  Does the Russian State Circus know about you?

[Muffled postman] It's not the parcel talking.  It's me, behind it.  

[Fran] For goodness' sake, put it down, and come out from behind it, then.  Talking to an acre of brown paper is socially awkward.

[Postman rests parcel on floor and comes out from behind it.]  Oh, that's better.  That was well heavy.

[Fran]  Where's the parcel from?

[Postman] Says [looks at parcel] from Amazon.

[Fran eyes parcel]  Er .. when you say 'Amazon' do you mean, Amazon as in 'rainforest'?  Because I have a feeling that parcel may contain the last few remaining members of the Nukak tribe.  I don't remember ordering them, but then, last week was a busy one.

[Postman] No, it's definitely Amazon as in 'books'.

[Fran]  Oh.  It's just as well it's not the tribe.  I don't have the beds made up.  But it's definitely not a book, which is a shame, because I did order a paperback I've been waiting for. 

[Postman] Do you want me to bring it in, then you can open it and see?

[Fran]  Okay, thanks.  But we need to get it over the doorstep.  Shall I call a removal firm?  Two removal firms?  Atlas?

[Postman]  No, I'll be fine.  [Pushes and pulls and struggles, but eventually, with Fran's help, gets the parcel into the hall.]

[Fran]  Okay.  Let's do this.  [They start tearing the paper off.]

10 minutes later.

[Fran]  It's a washing machine.

[Postman]  No wonder it was so heavy.  Hang on, there was a note inside the parcel.  Here you are.

[Fran]  Thanks.  [Reads.]  Dear Fran. We hope you will find the goods you ordered to your satisfaction.  We apologise for the minor differences between what you ordered and the product we have sent you.  For a start, this costs £393.50 and the book would have cost £7.99.  Secondly, instead of being made of paper and card, your product is made of metal and rubber.  Thirdly, instead of being something you read, your product is something you wash clothes in.  Fourthly, instead of being something you can carry around in your handbag, your product is something you install in a utility room.  We hope these minor changes will not affect your enjoyment of the product.  Thank you for your custom.  We enclose a voucher for £2.50 which you can use in our online store next time you buy goods totalling more than £15,000.  Best wishes. Amazon.

[Postman]  I'm loving this adventure.  I'm having the best day ever.  I've never delivered a washing machine before.  Normally it's just pizza leaflets and redundancy notices these days. 

***

I will leave the cast on the stage, mainly because I haven't a gnat's eyebrow of a clue what to do with this alarming triad of Fran, a postman and a washing machine.  If you have any inventive suggestions, do let me know.   For now, I'm off to the bar for an interval drink.  

The audience members were all in the theatre bar, discussing excitedly
what might happen in Act 2.  'Waiting for Godot' has nothing on this,
said one.  

PS  The book I've ordered is Crocodile on the Carousel by a Leamington Spa author called Sally Tissington who's a friend.  I've heard her read from it at the book launch and have seen other work of hers.  The story sounds fabulous, and even though I'm too much of a skinflint to get the hardback (and I find them unwieldy), I can't wait to read it.  If you like Angela Carter/Susan Hill/Anita Shreve/Jeanette Winterson, you'll like Sally.  I can see elements of all their writing in hers.  And she's funny.  A*.