Evidence that Fran would rather think up pedants' party games than get on with writing a real book

That's two lists that have amused me this week and I am going to inflict them on you.

I need someone in the novel I'm avoiding writing writing to be able to get into someone's house through the front door, then commit a murder, and get out again without any damage being done to the lock.  No, don't ask me why.  I'm not even sure of the facts myself yet.  And I'm wishing I'd decided to write a limerick instead.  I can do those.  Here's one.

There once was a writer called Fran
Who said to herself, 'Yes, I can!
I can write me a novel -
make publishers grovel -
And she started to draw up a plan.

You see?  That took me one minute flat.  This damn novel is going to take me until 2046.

Anyway, I googled, 'Can you pick a lock without damaging it?'

I only had to type 'Can you pick a lock without ....' and it knew the rest.  It seems like a popular search, alarmingly (ha ha - unintentional pun!) and took me to what I'm sure is a source of much misinformation very reputable page called wiki-how.....

Further digression: have you ever played the 'she said/he said' game, producing such puns?  (Such puns!  Inside joke for 'Miranda' fans.)  You never have?  People, what kind of parties are you GOING to?

The game is, you have to match the description of the speech to what the person said and make a pun, as in:

'But I'm still afraid a burglar might get in despite our precautions,' she said, alarmed.

'What do you mean, you can't finish the jigsaw?' he said, puzzled.

 Or like this ...

'What kind of wood should I get the new table made in?' she pined.

 I can't think of any more.  (Martin, your turn.)  And anyway, I was telling you about the lock-picking.  Here are two of the things you need in order to be able to pick a lock, apparently.


  • A paper clip or similar object or a flat sided hairpin
  • a locked door
A locked door? Well, whaddya know?  SO SO helpful!  The whole webpage is a hoot.  Have a look if you're tired of flossing your dog's teeth and need a break.  And if the recession is really biting, it might even provide some handy tips.  You know you've always wanted your neighbour's lava lamps.   http://www.wikihow.com/Pick-a-Lock-With-Household-Items  


List 2.  Earlier in the week, we put a new blind up in the bathroom. With the instructions came a list of tools that were 'needed' but 'not supplied'.  Included in this list was 'step ladder'.

I said to my husband, 'You know, it's a good thing they mentioned this, because when I looked at the package the blind came in, I was hoping they'd included the stepladder, and it's a disappointment not to find one in here.'

You'd have thought the same, wouldn't you?






Comments

  1. Anonymous21/1/13 09:28

    OMG, I need to up my home security and I'm always disappointed when I open a light bulb box and find no stepladder. It's so inconsiderate of the manufacturers...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill21/1/13 09:29

      This is even more worrying, IP. Lockpicking is a SPORT now. I found this website ... http://toool.nl/Lockpicking
      We live in a crazy world.

      Delete
  2. Janie Junebug21/1/13 10:50

    I can't believe that box didn't hold a stepladder. How dare they not send you everything you've ever needed?

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill21/1/13 11:15

      Roller blind suppliers ain't what they used to be.

      Delete
    2. Janie Junebug21/1/13 17:02

      Ain't is a four-letter word. Now I'm quite disgusted by your filthy typing.

      Delete
  3. Odette Bautista Mikolai21/1/13 11:16

    i keep spilling my coffee coz i cant help laughing while reading this post! you just made my day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill21/1/13 11:56

      My sole aim is to cover the world in spilled coffee this way. Glad you're liking the posts.

      Delete
  4. Martin Willoughby21/1/13 11:20

    I'm glad you don't live near me, or I may have to put the Rottweiler's teeth back in.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill21/1/13 11:57

      Ha ha! I am intrigued as to where you keep them, I have to say? In a giant mug of Steradent?

      Delete
  5. SmitoniusAndSonata21/1/13 11:38

    Given Health and Safety's concern for our wellbeing , they'd presumably have to provide someone to hold the ladder steady , too .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill21/1/13 11:58

      But of course. In fact, looking at the pig's ear we were making of putting up the blind, we could really have done with 3 or 4 others to help.

      Delete
  6. Steve21/1/13 13:00

    "Do not go gentle into that good night," she raged.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Frances Garrood21/1/13 13:58

    "Mine's a Pinot Noir," she w(h)ined, holding out her glass. (I do wish you wouldn't start this kind of thing...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill21/1/13 14:09

      'Oh, for heavens sake, get off your butt and buy me that pint,' she beer-ated him.

      Delete
    2. Frances Garrood22/1/13 00:59

      ....before whisk(ey) ing his bar stool from underneath him....

      Delete
    3. broken biro24/1/13 01:57

      'Oy! Watch my beer!' he said, mildly, pulling his jumper back down over his stout belly.

      Aren't these called something Tom Something's? It'll come to me...

      Delete
    4. broken biro24/1/13 02:02

      Swifties! Tom Swifties!

      Delete
    5. Fran Hill24/1/13 14:05

      I shall have to look that up now, to see why!

      Delete
  8. stephen Hayes21/1/13 16:57

    A professional lock pick would not damage the lock or even leave a mark. I researched this once.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill22/1/13 01:40

      Intriguing .... that explains your extensive collection of lava lamps.

      Delete
  9. Martin22/1/13 01:41

    Forget about picking locks, write more posts about the mythology surrounding sprites and elves, I imp-lore you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill22/1/13 09:40

      Ha ha! I knew you'd think of one!

      Delete
    2. broken biro24/1/13 01:59

      No! More burglaries, please - they're smash-in'

      Delete
  10. Friko22/1/13 03:42

    hey Fran, I think you’d make a mint composing limericks; why not have a go?
    Pedants’ party games too, they’d make a great stocking filler for next Christmas.

    PS: Have you tried picking a lock with your credit card? That’s how t’s done on TV.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill22/1/13 09:41

      Actually, you might be on to something there with the Pedants' Party Games. I wonder if there's a book ....

      Delete
  11. Martin22/1/13 06:16

    Yes it is. I was blind to "Your comment will be visible after approval." Doh!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Pam 22/1/13 11:53

    He remembered that - as she fell from the ladder - her voice had rung out: "I knew I should have avoided that broken step."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill22/1/13 13:57

      Ha ha! That reminds me of a story I read about ladders produced in America which had a warning on the top rung saying, 'Stop here' - apparently someone had sued the ladder company because they'd not noticed the ladder end, had kept going, and fallen off a roof. Dur!

      Delete
  13. BadPenny25/1/13 02:03

    Joe's driving licence form instructed him to put his passport sized photo " face side up " You'd have thought they could have popped a civil servant in the envelope to help fill the form in.

    We used to play " He said / She said" thanks for reminding me, but it was a paper & pencil game called consequenses ...
    Joe Blogs ... then fold the paper over & pass it on ...
    met Jane Doe ...fold the paper over & pass it on...
    at the top of the Empire State building... fold the paper etc etc
    He said, " " fold the paper....Getting the idea ?
    She said, " "
    The consequenses were, ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill25/1/13 15:09

      I can't beLIEVE that about the driving licence! Brilliant! We've got packets of nuts in our cupboard which say on them, 'Warning! May contain nuts'. You don't say.

      I love the consequences game. We often played that at Christmas (as long as I could convince the family it didn't technically count as a 'word game' which I was banned from suggesting ...

      Delete
  14. Sean Bentley19/2/13 21:19

    Yes, my favorite Tom Swifty is "You must come see my new electric poodle," he said dogmatically.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill20/2/13 01:21

      Brilliant! I've just looked some more up on Wiki and these are some of my favourites.
      "I unclogged the drain with a vacuum cleaner," said Tom succinctly.
      "I might as well be dead," Tom croaked.
      "They had to amputate them both at the ankles," said Tom defeatedly.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reasons why Fran is desperately in search of earbuds

Image
My try-to-get-fitter walk in the fields today was a silent one. I usually listen to the radio through earphones but have lost one of the soft earbuds and nothing spoils a walk more than having hard plastic nudging up against your fragile tympanic membrane. The BBC's  'Woman's Hour' is a brilliant programme but loyalty has limits.  It was disconcerting, walking in silence. Listening to radio distracts from the disturbing reality that my legs are propelling me in forward motion because, if I think too hard about this, I frighten myself.  Today, while walking, I had to listen to my own thoughts.  And now I've listened to my own thoughts, I remember why I like radio better. The inside of my head is like a wastepaper basket.   Be grateful that I only offer you a brief excerpt.  Oh, look, that bird is - / Where did I put that mark scheme. I'll need it for - / My shoes are getting muddier./ Maybe mash with the fish tonight / really muddy / The trees are definitely more
Read more

Evidence that we don't always have the right words to say at the right time

Image
The Younger Daughter was reminding me about how, when she's just accidentally burned herself and is hopping up and down in the kitchen, my instant response is 'Careful, that's hot!'  Or when she's just tripped up a step, that's the time I choose to say, 'Watch yourself!' That's me.  Eager to be helpful.  Caring Parent of the Year. But it's instinctive, isn't it, to say something completely inadequate in the face of crisis?  It's a strange feature of the way we communicate sympathy.  What about the following situations ... When someone's fallen over and is lying flat on their face, we say: 'Oh, no, are you o kay ?' When someone's just set off down the road to the shops, then lets themselves back in five minutes later, cursing and stomping, we say: 'Did you forget something?' When we come across someone sobbing their hearts out .... ..... we say things like, 'Is something the matter?' To the
Read more

More evidence that the wrong consonant makes all the difference to a famous book title

Image
More typo-lit, one of my favourite genres: To Kilt a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a young family move into the area from Aberdeen.  The children are found dressing the local wildlife in tartan and have to be taught that clothing innocent victims in bright material is not acceptable.  The little girl (Scot) says, 'Shoot, Pa, that's the darndest thing I ever did hear!' and there is surprise all round at her adoption of the local dialect in such a short time. To Kiln a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a wise father teaches his children that to put an innocent bird into a red-hot oven, converting it into an attractive china piece for the kitchen, was bound to upset Aunt Alexandra when given as a birthday present, and if this was indeed their intention, they deserved a whipping.   They don't get the whipping; the father can't stand Aunt Alexandra either. To Bill a Mockingbird - a tale set
Read more