Evidence that Santa's emotional health is still fragile

Dear Fran Hill

Convention would demand that I begin this letter by saying how pleased I was to hear from you.  This being far from the case, however, forgive me for sending a contract killer to your door omitting this.

Most people begin each year making New Year Resolutions, often ones which they have not been able to conquer the previous year.  It is the same, alas, for me.  Each January, I resolve not to give in to the desire to leap off a high wall natural anxiety I feel at the thought that I may, yet again, before the summer is out, receive a letter from you listing unreasonable demands to be met by Christmas.

I have been trying to cope without the tablets and rely just on the weekly therapy sessions, the head massages, the reiki treatments and a warm bath with candles each night, and until this morning, these seem to have kept me level.

And then the shakes post arrived.

At the risk of sounding repetitive (your letters have been arriving yearly since 1974, so it's not easy), I would like to state that I would love to personally stuff one of the elves down your throat until you choke do not stock and never will stock and never have stocked the following books.

1. Flannel Pyjamas and Physical Attraction: the Link

2. Going Grey with Allure

3. Doughnuts with a Hole in the Middle: the new Diet Sensation

4. Top Ten Tips for Making Upper Lip Hair your Best Feature

5. Jimmy Choo Shoes and Swollen Ankles: This Year's Fashion Combo

6. Knit your Own Drop-Dead-Gorgeous Winter Cardigans

7. Johnny Depp's new book: 'Not Meeting Fran Hill: My Regrets'

8. Exercise and Early Death: the Hidden Connections

9. Double Cream with Everything: the New Shock Menopause Remedy

10. Keira Knightley's new book: 'Not Looking Like Fran Hill: My Regrets'


I hope this will be the last time I hear from you.  I have had elves in tears this morning, having recognised the writing on your envelope.  They too remember 2010, the year of my nervous breakdown while I tried to source the Build-Your-Own-Clooney kit and the Low-Calorie-Treacle-Tart for you among other impossibly difficult requests.

It's not something I wish to go through again.

I hope your Christmas sees you garotted with a piece of sparkly ribbon proceeds satisfactorily despite my inability to supply your requests.

Santa

Fran's request for the self-help book 'Slim While You Slump' had also been refused

(You can read other Santa Writes to Me posts right here)

Comments

  1. Wendy's Writing22/7/13 09:02

    Oh Johnny Depp... what are you missing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill23/7/13 01:34

      I saw him on the news the other day and I thought, 'There's a man who hasn't yet found the secret of happiness.' I will carry on waiting until he finds me.

      Delete
    2. Janie Junebug23/7/13 17:05

      I'm very sorry, Fran, but he's not looking for you. He's looking for me.

      Delete
  2. Steve22/7/13 09:30

    Eh? I thought Keira Knightly did look like you?!?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill23/7/13 01:36

      You've obviously only met me in the dark.

      Delete
    2. Steve23/7/13 09:33

      Maybe it's time we progressed from car parks at night?

      Delete
  3. stephen Hayes22/7/13 10:55

    Santa sounds cranky like he needs time off. Interesting since he only works one night of the year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill23/7/13 01:36

      He does, but I keep him busy with stress the other 364.

      Delete
  4. Anonymous22/7/13 11:32

    One of your funniest, Fran!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill23/7/13 01:38

      Cheers, Fishducky. Thanks for reading. x

      Delete
  5. Janie Junebug22/7/13 18:39

    Oh, Johnny! Come to me, my darling. You shed that French whore, and now you can be mine. I realize it's Fran you want, but trust me, I can fill her shoes and more than fill her bra.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill23/7/13 01:39

      This sounds like a song lyric. You know, in the Petrarchan sonnet tradition.

      Delete
    2. Janie Junebug23/7/13 17:05

      Thank you. I am quite a great poet and lyricist.

      Delete
  6. Anonymous23/7/13 12:36

    You have confirmed my suspicions - that Santa is an unreasonable, crotchety, mean old blighter as suspected. I see absolutely nothing unreasonable about any of these requests :) You make me laugh out loud Fran :) :) Great post...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill23/7/13 13:09

      Good, I'm glad you think I'm being perfectly reasonable. Year on year on year, he claims I'm not, and I don't get it.

      Delete
  7. SmitoniusAndSonata24/7/13 00:28

    Sorry , I didn't realise you've been worrying about Christmas already .
    Don't worry , it will all come to pass . Johnny's been delayed by the heatwave and will now be writing his Christmas 2013 run-away bestseller in August instead . Working title : Swept Off My Feet By Fran , The Siren In A Cardi and Pac-A-Mac .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill24/7/13 00:50

      You've been looking through my photo albums again!

      Delete
  8. Paul T.24/7/13 13:43

    Dear Santa,

    I was very sorry to hear about your problems with Fran. May I suggest that the way forward for you is not a matter of therapy, but a simple need to forgive her from your heart? I'm sure that if you can do that, you will find yourself soon restored to your normal jolly, large-hearted self!

    I hope so, anyway, because I have my own list prepared for submission to you, and you're going to need to be on the ball for this one...

    Yours hopefully,

    Paul Trembling

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill24/7/13 13:51

      Dear Paul

      May I suggest that, if you are in any way connected with Fran Hill, you sever that connection as soon as you possibly can. In fact, I'll do you a deal. Find a way to get rid of her, and you can send me as long a list as you like.

      Yours you-have-no-idea-how-sincerely

      Santa

      Delete
    2. Paul T.24/7/13 14:00

      Dear Santa,

      Fran?

      Paul.

      Delete
    3. Fran Hill24/7/13 14:02

      Dear Paul

      Marry me, you angel.

      Santa xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

      Delete
  9. BadPenny25/7/13 04:59

    Come & stay with me as I hear the divine Depp has a house in the New Forrest.
    We can have fun searching him out and two must be better than one as we can cover more ground - though of course if I catch him... he's all mine.
    Sadly, I've not spotted him yet though believe me, I have searched.

    ReplyDelete
  10. BadPenny25/7/13 12:15

    PS... when I was five, a boy's mum approached my mum in the playground & told her all her son wanted in his stocking was Penny Smith...
    that was ME !!!!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reasons why Fran is desperately in search of earbuds

Image
My try-to-get-fitter walk in the fields today was a silent one. I usually listen to the radio through earphones but have lost one of the soft earbuds and nothing spoils a walk more than having hard plastic nudging up against your fragile tympanic membrane. The BBC's  'Woman's Hour' is a brilliant programme but loyalty has limits.  It was disconcerting, walking in silence. Listening to radio distracts from the disturbing reality that my legs are propelling me in forward motion because, if I think too hard about this, I frighten myself.  Today, while walking, I had to listen to my own thoughts.  And now I've listened to my own thoughts, I remember why I like radio better. The inside of my head is like a wastepaper basket.   Be grateful that I only offer you a brief excerpt.  Oh, look, that bird is - / Where did I put that mark scheme. I'll need it for - / My shoes are getting muddier./ Maybe mash with the fish tonight / really muddy / The trees are definitely more
Read more

Evidence that we don't always have the right words to say at the right time

Image
The Younger Daughter was reminding me about how, when she's just accidentally burned herself and is hopping up and down in the kitchen, my instant response is 'Careful, that's hot!'  Or when she's just tripped up a step, that's the time I choose to say, 'Watch yourself!' That's me.  Eager to be helpful.  Caring Parent of the Year. But it's instinctive, isn't it, to say something completely inadequate in the face of crisis?  It's a strange feature of the way we communicate sympathy.  What about the following situations ... When someone's fallen over and is lying flat on their face, we say: 'Oh, no, are you o kay ?' When someone's just set off down the road to the shops, then lets themselves back in five minutes later, cursing and stomping, we say: 'Did you forget something?' When we come across someone sobbing their hearts out .... ..... we say things like, 'Is something the matter?' To the
Read more

More evidence that the wrong consonant makes all the difference to a famous book title

Image
More typo-lit, one of my favourite genres: To Kilt a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a young family move into the area from Aberdeen.  The children are found dressing the local wildlife in tartan and have to be taught that clothing innocent victims in bright material is not acceptable.  The little girl (Scot) says, 'Shoot, Pa, that's the darndest thing I ever did hear!' and there is surprise all round at her adoption of the local dialect in such a short time. To Kiln a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a wise father teaches his children that to put an innocent bird into a red-hot oven, converting it into an attractive china piece for the kitchen, was bound to upset Aunt Alexandra when given as a birthday present, and if this was indeed their intention, they deserved a whipping.   They don't get the whipping; the father can't stand Aunt Alexandra either. To Bill a Mockingbird - a tale set
Read more