Evidence that not all junk mail ends up in the recycling at Fran's house


I received a catalogue in the junk mail this morning.

There used to be a fabulous catalogue called 'Innovations' which offered must-have products such as nose hair clippers, pegs to keep your wellies together, triangles of cloth to hide a cleavage with, and bits of elastic in case your bra has got too small and you need to extend the strap.  I'd love to be the copywriter who has to make these products sound like The Thing You Needed But Just Didn't Know It.  I suspect it takes a certain skill.  Maybe it's the kind of job spin doctors could do in retirement, as they'll have had plenty of practice with the silk-purse-sow's ear dilemma.



Now available!  Our new 'Toe-Counting Stick'.  You know how, when you wake up in the morning, the first thing you think is, 'I hope none of my toes have disappeared in the night!' How tiresome it is to have to stretch down to count them with your fingers, just to make sure! Well, with our handy, long, ergonomically-designed Toe-Counting Stick, you can rest assured that we, at Innovations, anticipate your every need.  And we've had our inventors at work on this one for years.  We're not called 'Innovations' for nothing!  

 Shaped like a twig, and with authentic-looking leaf and thorns attached, for a 'natural' feel, our Toe-Counting Stick, available now for only £123.99, can just be left propped by your bedside, ready for your morning toe-count.  Wait until your friends see it.  They will be so toe-tally jealous!




Anyway, apart from my opening sentence, that wasn't what I was going to write at all.  I get so carried away.

The catalogue we received this morning was from 'Britain's finest publisher of countryside books'.   Some of the titles are to die for.  I can't wait to order.  Who needs thrillers when you could lose yourself in one of these?

Mushrooming with Confidence 

 Beginner's Guide to Fly-tying

 The Complete Illustrated Directory of Salmon Flies

 The Secret Carp (which should have been the title of my 'Fishing' story in the previous blog post)

 Confessions of a Carp Fisher (ditto, even more so)

 Manual of a Traditional Bacon Curer (you can also get 'Adventures of a Bacon Curer' and 'Secrets of a Bacon Curer)

 and, in an odd change of tone ....

 Make Your Own Aphrodisiacs

 There's also one which sounds as 'British countryside' as a penguin.  It's called 'How to Watch a Bullfight'.  I think someone's slipped that one in as a joke.   


No doubt I shall get narky comments from some of you country folk, who have only just put down your copy of 'Secret Confessions of a Beginner Mushroomer' to go and shoot a grouse or pick some rushes to knit a cardigan with.




Comments

  1. Frances Garrood20/9/13 07:18

    I loved that catalogue! Our favourite thing of all was a trolley for wheeling houseplants round. Bet you missed that one!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill20/9/13 11:44

      What, just for fun? Like, taking them to the shops with you? That's a great idea! Especially if you've no one else to go with!

      Delete
  2. Anonymous20/9/13 11:09

    You've toe-tally solved my Christmas shopping problems. Everybody on my list is going to get a Toe Counter!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill20/9/13 11:45

      Ah ha, I see you have plans a-foot!

      Delete
  3. SmitoniusAndSonata20/9/13 11:25

    Struggling as I am to conquer my innumeracy , I wonder if your device would help me to count beyond 10 ? Please advise .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill20/9/13 11:45

      You mean, you have more than 10 toes?

      Delete
    2. SmitoniusAndSonata21/9/13 14:42

      I'll let you know , once I've got the Toe-Counting Stick arrivés ....

      Delete
  4. stephen Hayes20/9/13 11:29

    I love mushrooms; do I need to make a confession?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill20/9/13 11:45

      No need. I know you're a fun guy anyway .... SUCH an old joke!

      Delete
  5. Janie Junebug20/9/13 11:33

    I want the book about aphrodisiacs. Sounds fascinating. And I'll take two toe-counters, please.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill20/9/13 11:46

      This is presumably in case the aphrodisiacs don't work .. you'll just toe-count instead?

      Delete
    2. Janie Junebug21/9/13 12:29

      Sure. What else is there to do?

      Delete
  6. Steve20/9/13 13:26

    "Beginner's Guide to Fly-tying"? I initially misread that Beginner's Guide to Fly-tipping. Now, I'd buy a book with a title like that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill20/9/13 14:59

      And then, presumably, when you'd read it, you'd dump it by the side of the canal.

      Delete
  7. BadPenny21/9/13 00:47

    "Beginner's Guide to Fly- tying" would be handy for when the zip on my jeans breaks.

    Normally I fiddle around with a safety pin but now look forward to learning how to tie my fly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill21/9/13 12:32

      Safety pins are Basic Fly-tying. You definitely need to move on to Advanced Level.

      Delete
  8. Pam 21/9/13 12:11

    "Secrets of a Bacon Curer" is a bit sinister, don't you think? What, exactly, is he being secretive about? (How to make "bacon" out of those who displease you?)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anna May21/9/13 13:42

    Male salmon have flies?
    Anna May x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill21/9/13 15:04

      Of course. How on earth do you think they manage to pee?

      Delete
  10. Fran Hill23/9/13 01:10

    Thanks, Chris. I'm glad you like the blog. I will pop over and have a look at your own. The blog address makes me feel a teeny-weeny-meeny bit jealous, but I'll come along anyway ....

    ReplyDelete

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