Evidence that Fran needs new glasses as well as a shedload of money to pay for them

I definitely need to book an appointment at the optician for new glasses.  Here are the signs.

1. I was reading a book today about new words which have been invented in the last ten years.  I came across one in the 'A' section that said, 'A580'?  A 5 8 0?  I'd not heard of it.  What was it?  A strange computer code?  A new paper size?  The name of a new character in Doctor Who?  Why does no one tell me these things?

Then the type swam into proper focus and I realised it said ASBO, as in 'anti-social behaviour order.'

2. When I began typing this post, the screen had that kind of 'your words have immediately gone under water as soon as you've typed them' look and I've had to turn the make-the-font-bigger-thing (not sure of its technical name) up to maximum.

That's better, but there's only room for one paragraph on the screen.

3. When I'm reading anything aloud at school, I'm doing that 'hold the book at a distance' thing which is more effective for making you look old than if you came in with a Zimmer frame, knitting sticking out of your pocket, and said, 'Now why did I come in here?'

(I daren't ask my students, 'Now why did I come in here?'  I'm afraid they'd say, 'We've been asking that same question for months.  Go away and leave us alone.')

4. I am being very careful not to stick my shoes by mistake into the hems of my trousers, because I know that, should I accidentally undo the hem and have to sew it up, I wouldn't be able to find a needle in my sewing box, let alone thread the damn thing.  In fact, where IS my sewing box?  It used to be on that shelf over there, but ....

5.  I watched a video of The Two Ronnies today and could only see Ronnie Barker.


The only advantage to ANY of this is that, when I go and choose my new glasses, the price on the receipt will look like this £430 and I can pretend it says £130.

And don't tell me I should have gone to Specsavers.  I did once, but they messed it up big-time, giving me glasses with one side right and one side wrong, so that I walked around for a week like a raving drunk, attacking lamp posts and having to feel my way down stairs to avoid catapulting myself down them like a ..... like a .... like a ..... pulty cat.

Specsavers media team was very pleased with its new advertising campaign