Evidence that those who send me junk mail should do their research
An envelope dropped through the letterbox this week.
Here it is. In case you can't see it, the writing says, 'Important Information About Your Conservatory'.
1. We don't have a conservatory.
2. If the advertisers had peeked round the back of the house at our tiny garden, they'd have noticed that, had we added a conservatory, the lawn and the shed would have been inside it.
3. Within the envelope was information about how to maintain the conservatory we don't have. I must say, our conservatory maintenance costs are pretty manageable.
4. Also, there was information about how to buy a conservatory in case we don't have one. So, they lied.
5. There are inappropriate capitals on the message and if they knew anything about me they'd know that this would be enough to stop me buying their conservatories.
6. The writing is squeezed into the right hand corner. Do they think I will re-use this envelope for a handmade card? -
To my darling, sweet husband on our anniversary.
Important Information About Your Conservatory.
7. The writing is also in green in a blatant attempt at a garden-themed font, but it's difficult to see. At first glance, I thought it was a blank envelope that I could use again - yay! At second glance, I saw the writing. I've never come across a better example of anti-climax than this.
8. We don't even own the house. It's rented. I'd love to see the landlord's face if he turned up and found we'd installed a conservatory. 'But a badly-designed envelope TOLD us to,' isn't going to cut it.
But that's the problem with junk mail. The people who send it don't check their facts.
We also receive leaflets asking us to sell our house that we don't own. Apparently there are keen buyers for it.
We get 'Buy this humungous family pizza for 24 people' leaflets when there are only two of us.
We get leaflets saying 'Local gardener for hire' but I live with a gardener and you can't get more local than that.
We get leaflets from local garages offering to MOT the car we don't own.
Worst of all, I get leaflets from Slimming World offering me a discount on my first session and, if they'd looked at me properly, they'd realise I'm barely 8 stone and already drop-dead gorgeous. I mean, look!