Evidence of Fran's near-death experience

It's Saturday evening as I write. This time last week my body still comprised one-fifth woman and four-fifths pudding. I was so stiff with starch that I couldn't bend at the waist to take off my socks at bedtime. I felt as though all my internal organs had been re-upholstered.  

Despite all this, non, je ne regrette rien. 

I had gone with two friends to The Pudding Club. It was their 60th birthday treat to me and - well - what an experience! 

I'm aiming to go again on my 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th or should I ever tire of life as it could do what Dignitas does but with added custard.   

Have you heard of the Pudding Club? It was started by people who felt that the traditional British pudding should be saved from extinction and celebrated. Because of this, the evening is full of ceremony and ritual as guests make their way through seven puddings, all paraded in regally, applauded and cheered. 

Seven puddings? Yes, you heard correctly. 

Puddings are in the news. There's a documentary on the BBC at the moment about the pudding chosen to celebrate the Queen's Platinum Jubilee. The winner is a trifle, although it looks nothing like the trifles I knew from the 1970s. Ours had damp sponge like eating a sweaty glove, jelly as hard as nails, and the hundreds and thousands bleeding into the fake cream. 

The Pudding Club is based at a Cotswolds hotel in England. We arrived, along with about 25 others, were given a Bucks Fizz, and received a talk from a Master of Ceremonies about what was to happen to us. Much was made of the 'sugar rush' we could expect. Some guests looked apprehensive. The MC hadn't mentioned spontaneous combustion but the words hung in the air. A man who'd drunk a pre-pudding pint of Guinness was told that it may not have been his best move (and could indeed have been his last). We were advised not to leave our favourite of the seven puddings until the end because our attitude to it could well have changed by then. 

I was going to write that Zsa Zsa Gabor made the same mistake with husbands but when I looked it up I found that she and Husband 9 - Frederick Prinz von Anhalt - were together for 30 years until she died. Damn research, spoiling what could have been a great analogy. 

At the Pudding Club, we were given a score sheet so that we could record our puddings one by one and rate them. 

I will show you photographs of the puddings. Trigger warning: if you have a gluten sensitivity, then just by reading this post you could put your health at risk. 

Pudding 1. Spotted Dick. 8/10. My friends thought I was brave to begin with this. They meant foolhardy. It's basically lard with raisins and was used in medieval times to shoot from cannons and rout the enemy. 



Pudding 2. Apple crumble. 8/10. If you're shocked that I even ate a second pudding, I must say that these pictures are close-ups. Each portion was about half a normal* one.

*we could debate the definition of normal, however. 



Pudding 3. Marmalade bread and butter pudding. 9/10. This got my top mark. It's bread, butter, marmalade, eggs and milk, in essence, which makes it most suitable as a breakfast food. 




Pudding 4. Duchess Pudding. 8/10. This was a sponge involving dates and nuts, developed for the Platinum Jubilee, we were told. I had eaten too muchess by the time I got to the duchess and was beginning to wonder whether I would still fit in the car on the way home. 




Pudding 5. Sticky toffee pudding. 7/10. The pudding was delicious but the accompanying toffee sauce was so sweet, it hit a place under my earlobes, made my eyes water, and caused the nail varnish on my toenails to begin flaking off.  




Pudding 6. Lemon sponge. 7/10. By this time, we were all groaning, and keeping a beady eye on the man who drank the Guinness, in case he exploded near any of us and we needed to dive under the tables. 

 



Pudding 7. Chocolate and raspberry mousse. 8/10. I had two spoonsful of this, even though it was tasty. It was a wise decision, although using the word wise about anything I was doing at this point seems facile, considering I was filling my bloodstream with so much sugar that I was more or less marzipan by then. 


At the end, all the scores were counted up and the winner announced. I can't remember which one won although this may be because my brain was taking little in by this point, its cells having been nudged aside in favour of desserts. 

In the car on the way home, I and my friends suspected that none of us would have a good night's sleep. But I slept like death, probably because I'd come so very near it.

Still, as I said at the start, I regret nothing, and would go so far as to recommend it to any of you. Go here for details and three trillion calories. 






Comments

  1. 😆😆😆 Love this to bits. '... so stiff with starch that I couldn't bend at the waist to take off my socks at bedtime. I felt as though all my internal organs had been re-upholstered.' Just hilarious. I had a sugar rush just reading it. I NEED to go to that place. Is there a Sussex branch?

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    1. Thank you!! As for Sussex, I don't think so, but they do TOURS. Have a look at the website.

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  2. Oh Fran! You had me in stitches. I would not have lasted beyond pudding two. I salute your innards and your way with words.

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    1. I'm so pleased you enjoyed it, Keren!

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  3. Anonymous15/5/22 11:53

    We both chuckled and guffawed

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  4. This is such a helpful blog post. I have driven past the sign to The Pudding Club so many times and wondered what it was and couldn't believe that it actually was what its name implied. So now the nystery has been revealed and your phitos and account probably told me EVERYTHING I could possibly have wanted to know (and more).Will I try the Pudding Club? I think I'd go for the chocolate and raspberry mousse first if I could....

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    1. I do think everyone should try it at least once. Should the worst happen, the one chance might be all you get. Bear that in mind.

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  5. Genuinely, this is the funniest thing I have ever read. Wit, sparkle and wordplay sprinkled through your piece like raisins through the aforementioned Spotted Dick

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    1. Ha ha - thank you, Ruth! The experience was just begging to be written up.

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  6. What a night! (Oh what a night, la la la) I love desserts too and would have loved to be there, except I don't like bread and butter pudding no matter how good it is and I would have been that miserly person who ate only one tablespoon of each one in case I burst. Were there doggy bags available to take home leftovers?

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    1. Thanks for reading and commenting, River :) I don't think there were any 'one tablespoon of each' people there, to be honest. I'm not sure it would be the night for you. The vibe was very much Extravagant Consumption. As for doggy bags, no, there weren't. I did wonder that, but, you know, custard and everything ...

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  7. Fran, you have just described heaven for me. This is what awaits me beyond those pearly gates for all of eternity. And then it will be with none of the unfortunate after-effects. :-)

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  8. Fran, I have looked up the website and it does say you have 'a light main course' to begin with. But you haven't mentioned that light main course at all. Now I'm really worried!

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    1. They do indeed serve a light main course! Mine was a piece of fish and some cous cous. It is expunged from your mind by about Pudding 3.

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  9. Anonymous18/5/22 13:45

    I always love reading your blogs, Fran. This was very funny, and strangely informative too. I would definitely be up for the challenge!! ( I love marmalade B & B pudding, so suspect this would also be my favourite...but then I really like the sound of the Duchess pudding too..and apple crumble is always a favourite...and....?!!)

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    1. Thank you, Anonymous! I'm not sure who you are but thank you for reading and commenting!

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  10. 10/10 for the toffee sauce! Who was the unfortunate designated driver home? No pudding for you ...

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    1. The driver was the generous friend who took me to the Pudding Club for my birthday. She is a saint!

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  11. No Pavlovas, syllabub or rhubarb fool!?! Maybe I'm more a desert man then a pudding one. You made Eva and I chuckle lots. Thank you, Fran

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    1. Thanks, Martin! No, they were doing hot puddings mainly - they switch to cold puddings for the summer so I suspect you'd be in with a chance of a rhubarb fool then!

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  12. Happy belated birthday! That is an epic present. Although for me it is missing the best school dinner pudding which was chocolate sponge with mint custard. My children cannot believe that was served anywhere outside the workhouse but I loved it!

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    1. I remember that lime green custard!

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