Why I should just stay indoors

Why is it that the following things never happen to me in private? Following the law of averages, they should, at least sometimes, happen where there is no one to see/hear/laugh/phone their friends to share the news. Following the law of Sod, they always happen in public.

I never, in private ...

1. Come in at the wrong point when singing along to something at the top of my voice.
2. Stub my toe.
3. Bang the funny bone in my arm.
4. Sneeze wet sneezes without a tissue handy.
5. Misjudge where a chair is.
6. Take too much spaghetti on my fork.
7. Start reading my book then realise it's upside down.
8. Get lockjaw when I do a really big yawn.
9. Get a tickle in my throat that gives rise to uncontrollable coughing.
10. Find a fly in my eye.
11. Burn my mouth on a hot pie.
12. Get chased by a wasp.

Know what I mean?


  1. Comodisc - hi! Thanks for your comment. Glad it's not just me, then.

  2. Anonymous14/4/09 16:48

    It's the "Silent Tree" theory...

    If you stub your toe, but nobody is around to see/hear it, did you REALLY stub your toe?


  3. 13. Make embarrassing faces and/or noises when sneezing.
    14. Injure myself slightly by walking into a piece of furniture, and utter a mild curse word only to remember when it's totally too late that the pastor of our church is sitting in that particular piece of furniture. oops.

  4. Let's see. #1, #2, #3 and #12 happened to me last week alone (well the wasp was a giant bee, but it was still after me) It was a bad week...

  5. Ha - number 8 - I thought it was just me!

    And as a part (b) - also yawn loudly whilst forgetting where exactly I am. Past examples: an Inset day as one speaker finished and another was about to start; in front of a class when one girl was reading aloud from her book in such a monotonous voice that I kept having to pinch myself to stop nodding off...

  6. Oh, that stuff usually happens to me IN PUBLIC!!!

    The Retirement Chronicles

  7. Pwn Star - thanks for your comment. I don't know much about the Silent Tree theory. Sounds interesting. All I can say is, I would never wish to IMAGINE that I had stubbed my toe if I actually hadn't; it's not the same as wishing you were married to Johnny Depp, for instance.

  8. Lesley - At least you'd have two things then he could pray for you about - the injury and the cursing. Make him feel useful.

  9. A - Let me know when you've worked your way through the whole list ...!

  10. Hi, RT - thanks for your comment. Once a boy in my class yawned like the Grand Canyon, stretched his arms out and said loudly: 'God, this is so BORING!' He was a nice boy - he apologised profusely and genuinely and had obviously not meant to say it aloud at all. Made me feel quite insecure for a while, that one ... The class loved it, though.

  11. Heck I do all those things and more in private on a regular basis. Except I only yawn and say, "this is so BORING!" when I'm at work.

  12. Mark, you are SO lucky. I seem to have to gather an audience of at least 12 before any of these things happen to me. What am I doing wrong?


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